Taking a big ol' slice of humble pie
I'll be the first to admit that up until this point in my life, things have been pretty smooth sailing. I grew up in an incredibly loving family, had a great education, and was given a strong faith base at home as a child. I smoothly moved from grade school, to high school, and on to college with a limited amount of drama (just enough to consider myself a teenager!). It took me years to find my first love, but I am so fortunate to say, that he stuck. My only true boyfriend was the one I fell in love with and married, and have been living my happily ever after with. So right about now you are asking "Where's this humble stuff going to come in?" Oh, it will...
So during marriage prep, we learned all about NFP and were excited to practice our faith as a married couple. By being educated about NFP, I had this idea that I was given the gift to know the perfect timing to get pregnant. No doubt, I would be pregnant the first month we tried... maybe two. I still remember having a conversation with a friend to expect a phone call from me that month to share the good news. I seriously can't help but laugh right now. It's like looking at a child and wishing you had their innocence and naive view of the world. I'm really starting to get that saying, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans."
So needless to say, several months passed, with more pregnancy tests taken than were truly needed... all negative. Throw in one possible pregnancy, ending too soon to be confirmed (more likely a false positive), and another year of trying, and we were back where we started. No baby. So after some testing and discussion with doctors, we decided it was time to move on to adoption.
(Enter an overly confident Lisa). We moved quickly through the home study process and were placed in the pool of waiting families in about 3 months time. I remember turning to Dan the day we went on, saying "I give it 1 month before we get a call". HA! That is by far one of the most foolish things I have ever said. Who did I think I was? One month? Try 7 months, before getting so much as a call! But at that 7 month call, we were matched with a beautiful couple and planning for our baby girl. (Enter yet another confident Lisa.) We were warned to be cautious, as things can always change, but in my mind we were different. Nothing bad was going to happen. This baby was ours.
Well you see, she just wasn't ours quite yet and would be going home with her birth parents. So back to waiting we went, with a call a couple months later. We had been chosen the first time around, why not this one? I didn't have the greatest feeling about it, but still had some confidence left over from last time. No such luck- they chose another family. Throw in another call a few months later, with the same result. Then most recently, we were hoping to change some of our preferences to become more open to some particular situations, only to be told we had more work to do to demonstrate our readiness to them.
My point of all this isn't to make you feel bad for me. It has taken all of these moments to finally humble me. I'm not entitled to a baby, although I like to think so. This journey is not in my hands. It is in the hands of my Father, the one who knows me better than I will ever know myself. He has the perfect child for us, in His time. So as much as I like to think that I'm in control of everything, I'm really not. I can plan and plot all I want, but it may not result in my desired outcome. One thing that I need to remember can bring me comfort and strength, is prayer. He is always listening and always answering, whether I like His response or not.
Through it all, He is preparing me to be a better mother, for those moments that are out of my hands no matter how much I plan. For when my little one refuses to sleep, even after I've followed every tip in every book. For when my baby screams inconsolably, and I can't figure out why. For when he or she decides not to be potty trained, just because. And most importantly, for those moments when things just won't go the way my kids desire. It is those moments I will be so very blessed to be prepared for.
You see, I have learned the power and comfort of prayer, support from friends and family, and the blessings of being humbled once in a while. The beauty of these humbling experiences is that when things fall into place in the end (they will in some way, even if it's not what we originally hoped for), the joy of that answered prayer is going to be greater than anything I could have ever imagined. And through it all, it's all in His hands. Though it can be scary sometimes to feel like I have no control, what better than having God in the driver's seat. I just need to remember to take a step back and enjoy the ride.
