I'll Never Do That...Until I Do

In all the years leading up to our little blessing of Nate, I dreamed of what being a mom would be. I had this vision of being the absolute best version of what I envisioned a mom to be. I'd do all those cute pinteresty things, I'd turn into a morning person, and I'd never ever do a whole slew of things. Well, now that I am actually living out my dream, I realized that I should never say never. While being a mom is one of the most rewarding and exciting times in my life, it's tough. I am finding myself doing many things I swore I'd never do, and at first I would get upset with myself over it. Now, I'm realizing we need to do what works for our families, what gets us through a rough day, and not judge anyone for their own parenting styles. So here's my list of things I said I'd never do, until I did:

1. Put my child in front of the TV... and more than once in a day! This one is number one on the list because it's probably the one I beat myself up about the most. You are always hearing people talk about keeping little ones away from that screen time. For us, it started out small, a little video here and there to get through a difficult moment or two. While it varies from day to day, Nate definitely watches more TV than I ever anticipated. He loves Elmo and alphabet shows, and you know what- I don't care. He has actually learned new words and ideas from these shows, knows his ABCs and can count to 11 (I'm sure some of these shows had something to do with it), and quite honestly I wouldn't have a single moment to myself or get a thing done around the house if it weren't for these calm, quiet moments.

Brother Francis is one of our favorite DVD series! We have been watching
a lot more Sesame Street, Caillou, and Super Why lately. I think it's time
to get back to some good ol' Brother Francis

2. On that same note... willingly putting Caillou on my TV. That show is just known to be loathed by almost every parent I know, but Nate LOVES it, and it buys me just enough time to get dinner on the table. So... done deal. I'm really feeling like mom of the year right about now...

3. Empty threats- Ha! I dare you to never give an empty threat. I try my best not to do this, but honestly sometimes they just come out and I realize I can't follow through. Sometimes it's even something I CAN follow through on, but it's going to be a bigger pain in the booty than what he is doing.

4. Spoil my child- Wait for years to have a child, and try NOT to buy him the overpriced Sea World picture frame and picture of him with his favorite celebrities, Elmo and Cookie Monster. I dare you ;) Did I mention, he asks to take the picture down from his dresser so he can point out all the characters on the frame and himself in the picture?

Seriously, that's a framer!

5. Give in just because of a tantrum: Now I try my best not to give into a tantrum. I'll usually bring him somewhere safe and place him on the floor to ride it out. But there are times when we are out and it's just not going to happen. I just can't stop and ride it out while I'm trying to buckle him into the carseat and there's a car with their blinker on waiting for my spot (even though there is a spot just a few feet further... seriously people!). Who am I kidding? There are times when I just give in, cause guess what, it's easier. He's quiet, and I can finish what I'm doing peacefully. 

6. Buy unnecessary baby items: I still remember when video monitors first came out. I thought it was ridiculous that people were buying these things. I tell you what, I can't imagine living without one now! And I'm sure I have at least 10 other unnecessary items that I have turned into a necessity.

7. Leave the house with my child looking like a mess. This one I am soooo guilty of lately. I feel like I am constantly finding oatmeal from that morning's breakfast on Nate's cheeks, around his mouth, and even on the back of his neck. The other day I was at the store with him, and as I'm checking out I realize how messy the poor child was... dried lunch smeared on his shirt and fresh goldfish spit dripping down his face. He was lookin' good!

At least we don't leave the house like this...

I'm sure there are many more things that I do on a daily basis that pre-momma me would cringe at, but that's all I've got for now. I leave you with some serious cuteness :)

Playing Catch-Up

Wow, it has been far too long. I don't even really know where to begin, since so much is changing in our lives right now. First of all...

This guy!!! Seriously, dude, stop growing up! I can't believe how much Nate has changed over the past few months, and honestly from day to day. He is constantly doing new things, learning new things, and expanding his vocabulary (proud speechie mama!). I feel like I could write a book about him, but I will show some self control here and just give a few highlights on my little man. First of all, he is obsessed with balls- basketballs in particular, but the boy does not turn a ball away. I can't even begin to tell you how many balls we have around our house right now. When he wakes up in the morning, one of the first words we hear from his room is "ball", he sleeps with a ball in his crib, has eaten lunch holding a ball, and I just heard him over the baby monitor sleeptalking about balls- no joke. 

 "Don't worry guys, I've got this!"

He also loves Elmo, ABCs, dancing, taking baths and splashing around like crazy, playing outside, going on walks in the stroller, being chased by Dada, and reading his favorite books over and over again. He LOVES fruit, gurgers (hamburgers), mac & cheese, and crackers. He is constantly on the move and keeps us on our toes, and boy does he keep us laughing every single day! 

Like I said, I could write a book, but I will spare you for now. To sum things up, though, Nate's pretty awesome! And we just said goodbye to bottles for good, so bye bye baby :(  Hello, big boy! 

Now for my BIG news... I have two weeks left at my current job, and then I will be immediately starting up my latest position... Stay at home mom! I'm so excited, and I can't wait for this new journey to begin. This is what I have always wanted, so I feel incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to be home with him. I have had a pretty wild ride at work this year, filled with a million frustrations, BUT in the past few months some changes were made and things settled down a bit. When I attended our high school and transition students' prom a couple weeks ago and then sat through our 8th graders' graduation ceremony today, I realized how much I'm going to miss my job. I absolutely LOVE my students. I have some of the most challenging yet amazing students! They make me smile and laugh every day, and I know they have all changed me for the better. The staff I work with is phenomenal. Some of us have worked with one another since I started 6 years ago, and it is going to be pretty hard not seeing them every day, BUT I get to see Nate's sweet face every day and boy does that make up for it! I just never really thought about how much my job has defined me in many ways over these past 6 years. I'm proud of what I have accomplished with my students, grateful for the friendships I have made, and have been touched deeply by the experiences I have had with my students.

So with this big change, I decided that I still wanted something that was my own and that I could use to help contribute financially to our family, even if it's just a little bit here and there. So kind of on a whim, I became a Jamberry consultant. If you've never heard of Jamberry, the short version is that it's a direct sales company that sells nail wraps. Just reading that sentence... none of it sounds like me, which makes this leap of faith sound a bit crazy. BUT I am so glad I took that chance. Through this company, I am finding time to pamper myself a bit, having a lot of fun connecting with some amazing women, and making some extra cash for our family. I have found myself getting out of my comfort zone, and it has really paid off! I am finding myself feeling more confident and experiencing some pretty great success with my business so far. I don't want to turn this blog into a sales pitch, so don't worry. It's just another aspect of my adventure I want to share with you. 

Good thing I have a solid business manager

So I think I better stop before I completely bore you. If you have gotten this far, I applaud you. I am hoping to take some time to blog a little more frequently. No promises, but I really want to try. Next weekend, Dan and I and Nate's birth mom are speaking to potential adoptive parents at the Cradle for one of their classes. I'm pretty excited to share our story! As I have shared before, we have a wonderful relationship with his birthmom, so I am excited to share that with other families. I know how scary it can be walking into the unknowns of adoption, especially with regards to openness. Please send up a prayer or two that things go smoothly! Maybe just maybe I'll have a post about it!

It's been a while...

I can't believe it's been over two months since my last post! We've had so much going on between Nathan's first birthday, Christmas, and just everyday life around here. First of all, ah! My baby is 1! Where has the time gone???? He seriously isn't a baby anymore. He's a little boy full of energy, a sense of humor, and a smile that will melt your heart. Since I feel like there's a million things to talk about on here, I'm just going to do a quick run down and then come back to post more about the big things, like Nate's monster party (which was a blast!) and the obligatory mommy post describing my little boy at age 1 and all that jazz. So here's a snapshot of what's been going on these days.

We celebrated Nate's first Thanksgiving at my parents' house. 

We had a monster bash for Nate's birthday at the beginning of December.

Followed by a little celebration with my immediate family on his birthday.

And a cowboy party with Dan's family a couple days after Christmas.

What can I say? We like to party!

Not to mention our 5 Christmases!

No wonder I've been gone so long.

Not to mention heading back to work after break, wah wah wah...

And deciding on some changes starting this summer...eh hem...saying see ya later to my current job! 

So I guess I just popped in today to say hi, if anyone's still here! And to set myself up to perhaps try and get in some of these posts soon. So I will hopefully be back soon. 

Stay classy, my friends.

Vote for us!

So we decided to enter Nathan into the Gerber baby photo contest for fun! If you'd like, please help us out and vote for him! Head on over to this link and click Vote. You can search for him by typing in Nathan and Illinois in the boxes. There are several Nathans in Illinois, so just look for this picture :) Or you can just use his entry id # (probably easier) His entry id# is 210438  

Thanks a bunch! Feel free to share with whoever you would like :)

You can vote once daily until December 14.

Happy Halloween... a bit late

Happy Halloween!

Love,

Charlie Brown

Little Happies: Birthdays, pumpkin patches, and my little man

It has been a particularly frustrating and nutty day today, entirely due to work. Blah! So I figured I'd take some time to focus on all the little (and big!) blessings in my life these days. Enter, Little Happies! It's been too long. So here goes!

1. We celebrated our God daughter's first birthday a couple weeks ago. Seriously, where does the time go? She is such a beautiful blessing in our lives, and I feel so honored to be her Godmother. She's going to make a really nice wife for Nate someday too ;)  Ask her if they're going to get married, and I bet she'll say "yeah". Never mind the fact that that is her first and only word right now :)

2. This past weekend we visited our friends in St. Louis for their daughter's 3rd birthday. These kids seriously need to stop growing up! We stayed with them for the weekend, which is always such a nice getaway. I find myself able to let go of lots of anxiety when I'm away from home. I love love love getting away from the craziness that life feels like lately.

So we celebrated Wizard of Oz style, which was super cute. And somehow we ended up bringing home two new (to us) toys. Our friends generously offered two of their kids' toddler toys. Nate loves them! Our living room is filled with toys, but I can't turn away cute stuff!

3.  We are planning Nate's first birthday party! Ah! Is he seriously almost one? It's crazy how just one year ago we were waiting to hear whether his birthmom chose us or not. And yet it feels like he has been with us forever. I am having a great time planning his party. I'll be sure to post more when the time comes, but right now the planning itself is such a little happy for me. It's something I've longed to do for years. I feel so blessed to have a party to plan and a little life to celebrate!

4.  A couple weekends ago we took Nathan to the pumpkin patch for the first time. It was a simple children's farm, which was just our speed. It is so exciting to start celebrating holidays with him and making our own family traditions. It's these moments that I dreamed of and longed for for years. Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with these beautiful moments!

5. Lots of little moments with my little guy that never fail to make me smile :)

Nathan's first Catholic board books came in the mail last week. He loves them!

I look away for a second and suddenly there's a puff in his eye. Silly boy!

For more Little Happies, head on over to Stephanie's blog at Blessed to Be.

Miraculously My Own

We received this as a gift from my aunt when Nathan was born. If you type
in adoption quotes online I feel like this one always pops up. Here's why :)

I have occasionally heard people referring to the possibility of us having kids "of our own" or talking about Nathan as "fitting in like he were ours". I admit the same thing about him looking like us, but there's something about these phrases that make me a little worried. I don't want my son to EVER hear someone say these things because here is the 100% honest truth. He IS our own. And he does fit in because he is ours. I don't want him to ever think otherwise. He could have had purple skin and blue hair, and he would still fit in. Because the thing is, being a part of a family you never have to fit in. You are loved and a part of the family because you are you. And guess what! Adoption doesn't change that in the least.

This child is the one I have dreamed of my entire life. I don't love him any differently than if he had grown within me. My heart bursts when he excitedly smiles at me when I walk in the door, when he babbles "mama" and "dada", and when he bounces in his crib each morning when we walk in the room. I know everything there is to know about him- the one stray hair that stands up straight on his head, the way he excitedly grips my hands and runs to the bathtub at bath time each night, the silly faces that make him giggle, and the evolving set of  tricks to get him to sit in his high chair. I love the way he climbs me like a little monkey and eventually nuzzles in to fall asleep as I rock him to sleep at night. I love that I can rely on him for at least a dozen laughs each day and plenty more smiles. Most of all, I love that I am his "mama" and he is my sweet, silly and energetic son. He is my own, always has been and always will be. As parents, no matter how they come to us, God has blessed us with our children in this lifetime and entrusts us with the incredible job of raising and guiding them to grow closer to Him, our Father. So no, my son did not grow within my tummy, but he grew in my heart for years. He was prayed for and loved beyond words long before he entered this world. He is 100% my own. My wish for him is that he will always know this and never feel otherwise. I love you, sweet Nathan!

My Catholic Mama Survival Go-Tos

This week has been quite the challenge, to put things mildly. I'd say that since becoming a mom this one is up there with Nathan screaming inconsolably and refusing a bottle due to acid reflux in those early days of parenting. He has been sick this past week, with many sleepless nights and nothing working to console him. The adjustment back at work has been pretty rough, with an entirely new caseload this year (not nearly as wonderful as last year). So when I heard Dan scream "ouch" from downstairs yesterday morning I seriously felt like I was going to collapse on the floor and give up. Our house pretty much turned into an infirmary with not only a sick little baby, but a bed ridden husband with back problems. (If you are reading this dear, I'm not complaining about you. Just explaining the madness that has gone down in our house this week.)

"My child never responds to the nasal aspirator like a panicked feral animal. Deep down in her baby brain she knows that Mommy is trying to help. I enjoy sucking snot out of her face." source I had to laugh when I came across this picture with that very sarcastic caption today, because we have been battling Nathan's super human strength trying to use our nasal aspirator this week.

It is these moments of nearly no sleep and little time to myself that I find myself with limited patience and in desperate need of some serious grace. Enter, my Catholic survival go-tos.

Confession
Since becoming a mother, I have seriously noticed those moments when I am in desperate need of some grace. Since college, I've better understood the importance of frequently going to Confession, but I honestly never noticed a huge change in myself afterwards. My world was just that, mine. Sure, I had a husband to treat with love and respect, but no one truly 100% relied on me for every single thing. I didn't have to be as selfless as being a mother constantly beckons me to do. In fact, I thought I was a pretty selfless person until I became a mother and realized all of my selfish ways! Now that I have someone who needs me all day, every day I'm realizing how much Confession impacts me.  I need that reminder to be patient, loving, and selfless by honestly examining my conscience. I have been blessed with some pretty wonderful priests who have really talked with me and helped me to accept the difficulties of being a parent and to recognize when I need a break. I also desperately need that grace I receive through the sacrament. I really do notice a difference in the way I react to everything after going to Confession, most of all my level of patience. Jenny wrote about pretty much this same exact thing on her blog back in June. I already had ideas for this post in my head, but she beat me to it! She worded it so well, and as I read it I was finding myself nodding in agreement.

If I've recently been to Confession, I tend to notice myself tolerating moments like these at bedtime a bit more, even finding it kinda cute. And it usually doesn't look this cute. He's usually screaming at the top of his lungs. But with a good helping of grace, it's still cute.

Asking for the Intercession of Mary
Since becoming a mother, my devotion to Mary has significantly increased. I find myself constantly praying the Memorare and asking her to pray for me in those moments when I feel like I'm going to fall apart. I also look to her as an example. I wear my Mary medal almost every day as a reminder of how I want to act throughout my day, especially with Nathan. I find myself frequently grabbing the medal and taking a breath as I say a quick prayer, usually a desperate plea for a calm little one or for an increase in patience. Nathan also loves grabbing my necklace, and as he tugs on it around my neck, I find it reminding me of Mary and the mother I want to be.

source I absolutely love this painting, L'Innocence by Bouguereau. I would love to always be as peaceful as Mary is depicted in this painting. 

So those are my go-tos. What are yours? You don't have to be a mom to reply. We all have stress in our lives. What gets you through? I may need to add a few more items to my tool box as we enter more teething and a very busy little guy on the move.

Getting Used to Things

Going back to work is seriously kicking my butt right now, which is why the posts just aren't here. I have a few ideas of posts I've wanted to write for a while that I'm hoping to sit down (ha!) and write up soon. In the mean time, enjoy these photos of our little ham.

Little Happies: Family Vacation

I am seriously bummed that the school year starts next week... wah wah wah... So to cheer myself up I'm trying to enjoy this last week off and focus on the fun we've had this summer. Enter Little Happies! We spent last week in Florida with family, which was such a nice getaway. So rather than wallow in self pity over having to leave my sweet little boy for work next week (seriously big frown), let's take a look at all the happies the past week or two of summer has brought us.

1- Lots of time with Daddy! Dan had nearly three weeks off of work, which was glorious! It was so nice having him home all the time. I got to sleep in a bit more often. Have I mentioned how much I love to sleep? He also got some much needed work done on the garage and in our yard. Most importantly, Nathan got lots of time with him. 

My boys playing video games while on vacation. This picture melts my heart.

2- Zoo Day- Before our trip to Florida, we went to the zoo as a family. It was Dan's first time going with us since we usually go while he's at work. We were sure to visit our favorites- the giraffes, monkeys, and bears. 

3- Nathan got to meet my aunt, uncle, and cousin who live in Florida- He had no problem playing with everyone and being held by whoever wanted to hold him. They have waited so long to meet him, so I'm so glad they got to spend so much time with him.

4- Six years!- We celebrated our sixth anniversary while we were away. My parents watched Nathan for the night so we could go out to dinner. We found a great restaurant that had delicious grilled fish and a tiki bar. We sipped tropical drinks out on the patio while listening to their live band and enjoyed a really great dinner afterwards. 

5- We have a little fishy on our hands- Nathan went swimming in a full size pool for the first time. He absolutely loved the water. He was kicking and splashing and really had no fear. He even let Dan help him float on his back. I need to get this kid in swim lessons soon!

6- Birthday fun- We also celebrated my birthday while we were away. The night before, we had pie and ice cream with my family. The day of my birthday, the three of us drove into Orlando because Dan had a conference for work for a couple days. While it could have put a damper on the trip, it really didn't at all. The three of us got some alone time. The hotel was gorgeous, had a lot of property to take Nathan on walks, a great pool, and really wonderful staff. I don't know how expensive it was per night, but I'm sure it's somewhere we wouldn't be able to afford for a vacation. So thanks Dan's company! He only had a half day of class that day, so Nate and I headed down to the pool to hang out and explore the hotel. That night we went to a really nice Italian restaurant with some amazing food! Nathan wasn't particularly impressed, as he decided to, well, act like a 7 month old :) But we certainly enjoyed it. 

7- First Disney experience- No, we are not insane. We didn't bring a 7 month old into a Disney park in the sweltering Florida heat. If you have done that, more power to ya! But I have no desire. We did hit up Downtown Disney for a couple hours though, while waiting for Dan to finish up on his last day of class. It's hard for my family to be near Orlando and not do something Disney.  Grandpa bought Nathan his first Mickey doll. It was love at first sight :) 

8- Beach fun- We went to the beach twice. The first time was kind of a bust. The waves were insane, and it just wasn't a pleasant experience. But the second day we went was perfect. The waves weren't too rough, and even though it was really hot the heat was at least somewhat bearable. 

Hanging out in his beach tent after catching some waves

9- A smooth trip home- I was seriously anxious about travelling with a baby for weeks leading up to our trip. I didn't want to be that family with the screaming baby the entire flight. We were very fortunate that Nathan was very well behaved both on our way to and from Florida. On the way there, he screamed getting on the plane, I was unknowingly leaving a trail of puffs down the aisle, and I'm pretty sure everyone was bracing themselves for a rough flight. Fortunately he calmed down once in his seat. He required a lot of entertaining, but overall he was pretty good. On the flight home he was an absolute angel. He smiled and got really excited as we took off. I so badly wanted to record him, but for once I decided to just sit and enjoy the moment. It was so sweet. He then slept the entire trip home. So Dan and I were able to eat our snacks, sip our ginger ale, and read in peace. It was amazing!

10- I still have one more week of vacation- This is me trying to stay positive. I have to keep reminding myself to enjoy this week and to try not to let next week's workweek hover over me too much. We still have some fun things planned- a lunch with a friend, a trip to the zoo with family, a play date with friends, Mass on Friday as a family, a belated trip to our favorite restaurant to celebrate our anniversary again (it's tradition!), and our church's picnic on Sunday. Lots of fun things coming up! 

For more Little Happies, head on over to Blessed to Be.

Little Happies... A little late

I feel like it's been a while since I've participated in a Little Happies link-up over at Blessed to Be. So my happies are going to span a couple weeks. Here we go!

1. A trip to my favorite store with the bullseye logo with a delicious treat in hand. 

The opportunity to go to the store by myself these days is pretty much non-existent. I'm not complaining here. I love my little partner in crime, but sometimes a mama just wants to leisurely stroll the aisles without fear of a child breaking down at any moment. Not to mention the fact that I'd never be able to balance carrying a drink in one hand, pushing the cart in another, and keeping a 7 month old happy with... well that's why this never happens. It's seriously the little things... or little happies I should say :)

2. Getting one of these packages in the mail.

So I'm a little obsessed with pictures. I already have 4 albums to document Nate's first 7 months. I have a problem, I know. I have learned that by ordering pictures online and waiting for deals, I can save a whole lot of money. So it may be a bit of an enabler for me, but at least it's saving me money... right?

3. My little man loves books!

Reading with Grandma

In the past few weeks, Nathan has become a bit obsessed with books. He looooves to listen to stories. He can be whiny all day, and you pull out a book to read and he is silent. It's so wonderful to see him enjoying books. It makes me feel like I've done something right.

Someone just had to read right now. There's no time to take the bib off!

4. I don't know why, but this picture gets me every time. We are working on our fine motor skills. Picking up those puffs and making it into his mouth is quite the task. 

5. The Dance is back! One of my biggest guilty pleasures is watching So You Think You Can Dance each summer. I usually get together with a close friend of mine to watch it and critique all the dances. We've been getting together for this for at least 6 seasons now and watching it on our own for even longer. So I'd like to think we kinda know what we are talking about now. You can't beat a classic piece of Travis Wall choreography... swoon!

6. Dan is on vacation for 2 weeks! Nothing beats having all three of us home together without the stress of work getting in the way. I love that he has the chance to spend lots of time with Nathan. So far we have spent a long weekend visiting the Newman Center at U of I (where we met) and visiting his family. We are hoping to get some projects done around the house and plan a few more days out. 

6. Summer! I am seriously loving this summer. I love being home every day and  have no desire to go back to work. Good thing there's still 3 weeks left! I better make 'em count. 

For more little happies, head on over to Blessed to Be!

Opening up about openness

When you enter the adoption process it can feel like you are entering a whole new world, with information flying at you left and right. One of the first things that I started hearing about and feeling a bit unsure of was "open adoption". I already had the ridiculous thought that my child was going to rebel against me as a teenager and hate being adopted and pretty much turn into a Lifetime movie or 90's TV depiction of adoption. So to add the thought of birth parents being in the picture was a bit scary. As a friend of mine described her relationships with her children's birth parents, I became a little more open to the idea but it was still a bit scary. (She also quickly erased all my other ridiculous fears as well!)

Fast forward three years. Here we are on the other side, and we have an open relationship with our son's birth mother that we would consider very successful. Sure, an open relationship does have it's own unique situations to maneuver, but it's not nearly as scary as I originally anticipated. I have had a lot of people look at me like I have two heads when I talk about seeing Nate's birthmom, or they talk about how they could never do it themselves. So I want to share the reasons why I am very "pro-openness" to hopefully chip away at someone's fears or at least help people to understand this complex relationship. I am sure there are some excellent articles with more credible points as to how this relationship positively impacts an adoptive child's emotional well-being, but this post is more about my personal viewpoints. So after that ridiculously long intro, let's get to the meat of it.

• The openness started with having the opportunity to meet before he was born. Just having the opportunity to meet a birthparent can really help ease some fears. It also helps to remind you that there is a family on the other end of this adoption circle who is going to experience a profound loss. While this can be a lot to take in emotionally, I think it's incredibly important for us to recognize that loss to fully embrace this beautiful gift.

• The second I have met birth families, all of my fears about openness just melted away. For me, I felt so much gratitude and admiration for these individuals. Openness just suddenly made so much sense. I've also noticed that we get along so quickly and easily. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that they picked us. I doubt they would have chosen us if they didn't like us for who we are (which is why it's so important to be ourselves while creating our profile).

• For us, openness made the hospital experience so special. The plan for the birth, hospital, and placement of course varies for every situation, so this point is specific to our situation. Our open relationship really blossomed at the hospital. We can tell our son that he was loved on from the moment he came into this world by both our family and his birth family. We have pictures that were taken for us just moments after he was born, I was able to join him in the nursery just minutes later, and we were able to bond immediately. At the same time we were able to continue to get to know Nate's birthmother and other members of his birth family, and she was able to feel at peace as she saw our interactions with him. ***Again, every situation will be different. While this was a positive experience for everyone in our adoption circle, it can be very painful and difficult to navigate for others.

Hanging out with Nate's birthmom in her hospital room, eagerly anticipating his arrival

• We know quite a bit about medical background. If it is available, you will often get quite a bit of medical information. We have that, but we also have the benefit of asking Nathan's birthmother questions as things may come up, and she can inform us if there is anything important medically we should know that may come along. 

• Help with answers to the "why" question. At some point in their lives, an adoptive child is likely going to start to wonder and ask "why?". It's a natural question. I expect it to come, and when it does I fortunately have some of the answer. We are also fortunate in that we will hopefully still have a strong relationship with his birthmother, who can better explain it all to him if she is comfortable doing so. Sometimes birthparents may also write a letter to the child for them to receive later in life. 

• "Does she still love me?" That question can also be answered hopefully from our relationship. Nothing answers that question better than all of us continuing to be in one another's lives. It is clear that she is so very in love with this little man, always has been, and always will be.

• "Where did I come from?" I think it's natural for anyone to want to know more about their parents, and that is no different for a child and his/her birthparents. Openness allows for a child to know about where they came from. The information may be vast due to a strong continuing open relationship, or maybe you can at least offer some basic information like favorite foods or hobbies that you may have learned early on. The information can be empowering for a child to be able to identify with his/her birth family.

• Adoption "just is" in our family. By being open in our relationship with Nathan's birthmom, I feel like he will just always grow up knowing about his adoption. He won't have that one moment where his life is shattered because he just found out he was adopted as a teenager. We talk about adoption, his birth family, and others waiting to adopt all the time in our house. He has pictures with his birth family hanging up in his room, and we pray for them every night. Adoption is just a part of who we are, a part of who he is, and nothing to be ashamed of. 

Our family on the 4th

• There are no rules. Openness is not legally binding. It is up to us how we want our relationship to look. We can communicate about what we are comfortable with with his birthmom, and she can do the same with us. We check in every so often to make sure that everything is still comfortable for all of us. While it is not legally binding, it is obviously important that we continue the relationship we agreed upon prior to the adoption. It may transform over time, but it is important to stick to our word. That being said, if anything were ever to happen that we felt would negatively impact our son through this relationship we would obviously re-evaluate things. As he gets older, he may want the relationship to look different as well, and at that time we can adjust our communication with his birthmother to meet his needs. While we all benefit from this relationship, at the end of the day it is for him.

• Peace. Openness can bring a sense of peace to everyone involved. Instead of wondering how the child is doing or what he/she looks like, updates and pictures can be shared. We can visit to catch up as well. It also brings us peace seeing that the birth family (hopefully) is doing well.

• Openness does not take away from me being "mom".  I can't stress this point enough. At first the thought of having a birth parent involved in both your life and your child's life can feel a bit intimidating. You may start to wonder if that relationship will take away from feeling like your child's parent. Fear not! It does not by any means take away from that moment of becoming a parent. We have found that Nathan's birthmom has always really respected that from day one and has always acknowledged that we are his parents. I am "mom", she is his birthmom/mother, and we refer to her by her first name. We are the ones that will get to hear the sweet sounds of "mama" and "dada". We are the ones blessed to watch him grow every day, see him crawl for the first time, get food spit at us, learn all of his cries and silly sounds, hear his belly laughs and giggles, read him stories each night before bed, and wake up to his bobbing smile each morning as he excitedly bounces in his bed. 

• You have someone who can 100% understand and share in the motherly/fatherly love and pride that you have for your child. When I take a really sweet picture or if I'm really proud of something he has done, I know that I can share it with Nate's birthmom, and she'll be just as excited and proud. 



Lots of these little moments are passed along, like falling asleep while eating breakfast.





• I feel like we've gained family members. Our relationship is very unique, which includes a very special love. The love was immediate. When someone gives you the greatest gift you could possibly imagine, how do you not love them? There is a bond there that will never fade. I'm sure the relationship will look different over time. There may be times we fall out of touch. There may be times that we are in constant communication. Through it all, I know that our son's birth family is a part of our family. 

As I said before, these are simply my personal viewpoints based upon our experience. Every open relationship is going to look different, and different birthparents/adoptive families will have different comfort levels and emotions about everything. I hope that by sharing what we have found to be positive about an open relationship, others can start to become more comfortable about openness as well. Don't knock it til you try it ;)