Opening up about openness

When you enter the adoption process it can feel like you are entering a whole new world, with information flying at you left and right. One of the first things that I started hearing about and feeling a bit unsure of was "open adoption". I already had the ridiculous thought that my child was going to rebel against me as a teenager and hate being adopted and pretty much turn into a Lifetime movie or 90's TV depiction of adoption. So to add the thought of birth parents being in the picture was a bit scary. As a friend of mine described her relationships with her children's birth parents, I became a little more open to the idea but it was still a bit scary. (She also quickly erased all my other ridiculous fears as well!)

Fast forward three years. Here we are on the other side, and we have an open relationship with our son's birth mother that we would consider very successful. Sure, an open relationship does have it's own unique situations to maneuver, but it's not nearly as scary as I originally anticipated. I have had a lot of people look at me like I have two heads when I talk about seeing Nate's birthmom, or they talk about how they could never do it themselves. So I want to share the reasons why I am very "pro-openness" to hopefully chip away at someone's fears or at least help people to understand this complex relationship. I am sure there are some excellent articles with more credible points as to how this relationship positively impacts an adoptive child's emotional well-being, but this post is more about my personal viewpoints. So after that ridiculously long intro, let's get to the meat of it.

• The openness started with having the opportunity to meet before he was born. Just having the opportunity to meet a birthparent can really help ease some fears. It also helps to remind you that there is a family on the other end of this adoption circle who is going to experience a profound loss. While this can be a lot to take in emotionally, I think it's incredibly important for us to recognize that loss to fully embrace this beautiful gift.

• The second I have met birth families, all of my fears about openness just melted away. For me, I felt so much gratitude and admiration for these individuals. Openness just suddenly made so much sense. I've also noticed that we get along so quickly and easily. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that they picked us. I doubt they would have chosen us if they didn't like us for who we are (which is why it's so important to be ourselves while creating our profile).

• For us, openness made the hospital experience so special. The plan for the birth, hospital, and placement of course varies for every situation, so this point is specific to our situation. Our open relationship really blossomed at the hospital. We can tell our son that he was loved on from the moment he came into this world by both our family and his birth family. We have pictures that were taken for us just moments after he was born, I was able to join him in the nursery just minutes later, and we were able to bond immediately. At the same time we were able to continue to get to know Nate's birthmother and other members of his birth family, and she was able to feel at peace as she saw our interactions with him. ***Again, every situation will be different. While this was a positive experience for everyone in our adoption circle, it can be very painful and difficult to navigate for others.

Hanging out with Nate's birthmom in her hospital room, eagerly anticipating his arrival

• We know quite a bit about medical background. If it is available, you will often get quite a bit of medical information. We have that, but we also have the benefit of asking Nathan's birthmother questions as things may come up, and she can inform us if there is anything important medically we should know that may come along. 

• Help with answers to the "why" question. At some point in their lives, an adoptive child is likely going to start to wonder and ask "why?". It's a natural question. I expect it to come, and when it does I fortunately have some of the answer. We are also fortunate in that we will hopefully still have a strong relationship with his birthmother, who can better explain it all to him if she is comfortable doing so. Sometimes birthparents may also write a letter to the child for them to receive later in life. 

• "Does she still love me?" That question can also be answered hopefully from our relationship. Nothing answers that question better than all of us continuing to be in one another's lives. It is clear that she is so very in love with this little man, always has been, and always will be.

• "Where did I come from?" I think it's natural for anyone to want to know more about their parents, and that is no different for a child and his/her birthparents. Openness allows for a child to know about where they came from. The information may be vast due to a strong continuing open relationship, or maybe you can at least offer some basic information like favorite foods or hobbies that you may have learned early on. The information can be empowering for a child to be able to identify with his/her birth family.

• Adoption "just is" in our family. By being open in our relationship with Nathan's birthmom, I feel like he will just always grow up knowing about his adoption. He won't have that one moment where his life is shattered because he just found out he was adopted as a teenager. We talk about adoption, his birth family, and others waiting to adopt all the time in our house. He has pictures with his birth family hanging up in his room, and we pray for them every night. Adoption is just a part of who we are, a part of who he is, and nothing to be ashamed of. 

Our family on the 4th

• There are no rules. Openness is not legally binding. It is up to us how we want our relationship to look. We can communicate about what we are comfortable with with his birthmom, and she can do the same with us. We check in every so often to make sure that everything is still comfortable for all of us. While it is not legally binding, it is obviously important that we continue the relationship we agreed upon prior to the adoption. It may transform over time, but it is important to stick to our word. That being said, if anything were ever to happen that we felt would negatively impact our son through this relationship we would obviously re-evaluate things. As he gets older, he may want the relationship to look different as well, and at that time we can adjust our communication with his birthmother to meet his needs. While we all benefit from this relationship, at the end of the day it is for him.

• Peace. Openness can bring a sense of peace to everyone involved. Instead of wondering how the child is doing or what he/she looks like, updates and pictures can be shared. We can visit to catch up as well. It also brings us peace seeing that the birth family (hopefully) is doing well.

• Openness does not take away from me being "mom".  I can't stress this point enough. At first the thought of having a birth parent involved in both your life and your child's life can feel a bit intimidating. You may start to wonder if that relationship will take away from feeling like your child's parent. Fear not! It does not by any means take away from that moment of becoming a parent. We have found that Nathan's birthmom has always really respected that from day one and has always acknowledged that we are his parents. I am "mom", she is his birthmom/mother, and we refer to her by her first name. We are the ones that will get to hear the sweet sounds of "mama" and "dada". We are the ones blessed to watch him grow every day, see him crawl for the first time, get food spit at us, learn all of his cries and silly sounds, hear his belly laughs and giggles, read him stories each night before bed, and wake up to his bobbing smile each morning as he excitedly bounces in his bed. 

• You have someone who can 100% understand and share in the motherly/fatherly love and pride that you have for your child. When I take a really sweet picture or if I'm really proud of something he has done, I know that I can share it with Nate's birthmom, and she'll be just as excited and proud. 



Lots of these little moments are passed along, like falling asleep while eating breakfast.





• I feel like we've gained family members. Our relationship is very unique, which includes a very special love. The love was immediate. When someone gives you the greatest gift you could possibly imagine, how do you not love them? There is a bond there that will never fade. I'm sure the relationship will look different over time. There may be times we fall out of touch. There may be times that we are in constant communication. Through it all, I know that our son's birth family is a part of our family. 

As I said before, these are simply my personal viewpoints based upon our experience. Every open relationship is going to look different, and different birthparents/adoptive families will have different comfort levels and emotions about everything. I hope that by sharing what we have found to be positive about an open relationship, others can start to become more comfortable about openness as well. Don't knock it til you try it ;)