Oh the questions...

and comments. Overall, people only have wonderful and supportive things to say to us regarding adoption. We do get a lot of questions, mostly because generally people really don't know much about adoption. Really, unless you have experienced it all firsthand and been educated on all the adoption lingo most people don't know much, and how would they unless we educate them? A few years ago, I knew nothing. So here are some basics I want to share.

• When we refer to our son's "biological mother", we refer to her as his birth mother. I'd suggest avoiding "real mother" and even "biological mother". I've only heard people refer to her as his "real mom" a couple times and I know it wasn't meant by any means to be hurtful, but that can be something that stings a bit. Because guess what, I'm as "real" as it gets. And to me "biological mother" just seems so incredibly impersonal.

My real mom? Oh, you mean the lady that kisses these adorable cheeks 1,000 times a day? Or do you mean my birth mom? 'Cause she's pretty awesome too :)

• Please never use the phrase "she gave him up for adoption". This is one that I was guilty of prior to our adoption journey. It's just much better to refer to a birth mother "placing her child for adoption/with his or her adoptive family/forever family". This phrase just sounds so much more loving. A birth mother isn't giving her child away. Rather, she is likely making one of the most difficult and loving decisions she will ever make. 

• I am very open about our adoption story and happy to share it, but please don't ask a bunch of personal questions about my child's birth family. That is his story. Once I share it, I can't take it back. That is information for him to share as he likes when he is old enough to understand it all. 

• "Was his birth mother young?" Again, please don't ask personal information about this. But don't always assume that every birth mother is a pregnant teen. Birth mothers are all unique and span across many different ages, just as adoptive parents do.

• "Why did his birth mother choose adoption?"- Seriously? Don't go there. Please never ask an adoptive family this question. To me, this is so deeply personal. I feel like it puts me in an awkward position because I don't always know how to decline the question. What I find funny is that a lot of times the question is prefaced with "you don't have to share if you don't want to" or "I don't know if I should ask this". You're right, I don't want to share this, and you really shouldn't ask this (especially if I'm really not that close with you!) All you need to know is that any mother who places her child for adoption did so out of incredible love for her child. That is all anyone needs to know. 

Don't ask that question. It's between me, my mama, and pops.

• Just because someone has adopted, does not mean the child is from another country. I can't tell you how many times I have been asked "Where is he from?" (usually when my fair skinned son is not around to show it was likely a domestic adoption). Of course, this is by no means a hurtful question. I don't mind answering it. I just feel like the person on the other end is either surprised or disappointed when I respond "central Illinois". I guess that's not quite as adventurous as Ethiopia or China. 

The Land of Lincoln? Really? You mean to tell me I'm not from Korea?

• Can't forget one of the most famous- "You'll get pregnant once you adopt". Maybe, but it won't be because we adopted. And let's face it, when you say it that way it makes it seem like adoption is a back-up or second choice. I feel BLESSED to have had my heart molded to become open to adoption. It is a calling I am passionate about, and I love my son more than I can express. For more on this topic, head over to Blessed to Be. She has a great post on the topic.

• Going along with the last point, adoption isn't necessarily the final, last resort option for a couple with infertility. Even typing that makes me uncomfortable. I hate to even put "last resort" in reference to adoption. Because it absolutely is not! The reason I am making this point though, is that so many people have opened up to me about their experiences with IVF once they find out about our adoption experience. I feel like a lot of people assume we did the same, and it really bothers me. Mostly because we completely disagree with it, and I can go on and on about how much IVF bugs me on so many levels including putting a band-aid on a problem, the mindset of being entitled to a child, and most importantly humans trying to play God. But I digress... So anyways, let the world know that pretty much the second we found out pregnancy would be difficult to achieve we jumped right into adoption. For us, it wasn't a back-up plan. It just took a little push and some time to open our hearts to this incredibly awesome way to grow our family.

Adoption rocks!

• "I could never have a relationship with my child's birth mother" or the look of horror as I tell someone that I am in contact with my son's birth mother weekly and that we have and will continue to have periodic visits with her- Now this is something I would never ever judge someone on. It's such a difficult thing to envision, especially since there are so many unknowns until you actually know who your child's birth family is (if that's even an option). It took me a while to get to where I am now on my feelings regarding openness- it is certainly a process. I just ask people to learn more about it and keep an open mind. There are so many wonderful advantages to an open relationship, especially for my son to have hopefully a little more closure in the future. I'll save this topic for another post, though. I will just say, don't knock it 'til you try it. It can be one of the most unique and wonderful relationships you will ever experience.

• Any reference to money. Yes, we all know that in many cases adoption costs a lot. It really doesn't need to be acknowledged in conversation with me about my adoption experience.

I'll let you in on a secret. Money means squat when it comes to me. Just look at me!

I think I covered the most common topics that I've come across. If you've said any of the above things to me, don't worry about it. And I hope you aren't reading this thinking "Ah, she was totally referring to me when she wrote that one" because I have heard all of these things quite frequently from many people. And that is why I wrote this post. I want to continue to educate people about adoption. 

I leave you with this funny little video about things you shouldn't say to an adoptive family. 

If you wouldn't say it...

On another note, Happy Easter!