Waiting for Something Special

I spend a lot of time in the car driving to and from work each day, which leaves a lot of time to listen to the radio. I feel like I am constantly hearing the same songs over and over again, but there is one that has yet to get old for me, I Will Wait by Mumford and Sons. I absolutely love this song! I'm not sure of the meaning behind the lyrics, but to me the song is a pick me up and has a bit of a spiritual aspect to it. I love singing along. I feel like it's my little prayer, telling my little one that I'm waiting and telling God that I will wait to see His beautiful plan for my life. I know he has a great plan in store for us. Can't wait until then :) Here's a video of the song!

Blessed

I have had myself so focused on the adoption and the fact that we don't have a baby yet, that I haven't been as grateful for the good I already have in my life. I have found that it's so easy to look past all the things that I do have and yearn for those I don't. Today I was reminded of all the blessings in my life and all the answered prayers I have already received. I was off today, so I decided to take the opportunity to pray the Divine Chaplet at 3:00 with the Relevant Radio broadcast. I always get so focused on my own prayers that I thought praying for other people's intentions in addition to my own would be a good change. Many of the callers today were praying for their relationships, for those that have ended in divorce or those headed that way. Others were praying for a light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to financial hardship and unemployment. That was most certainly a moment when I had a bit of a wake up call. I was reminded then of the many blessings I already have in my life. I have a loving family who I love spending time with (especially game nights) and I know will always be there for me and bring me happiness. I have a strong group of friends who listen to me, make me laugh, and bring joy into my life. I have a job that I love and that is flexible enough for me to be home more once a little one joins our family. I have a home in a neighborhood I love and that I look forward to filling with children one day.

And of course, I didn't forget my greatest blessing and answered prayer... 

I prayed for years to meet someone. Then one summer, I went on a retreat and spotted this guy...

Turns out he was a pretty good catch...

And has made me happy since the day we met...

And so we started our family.

I am blessed to have found my husband so early in life. I am married to a man with incredible faith, who lives his calling to bring me (and himself) closer to God. He makes sacrifices for me constantly and smiles despite many moments when I guarantee I test his patience. He makes me laugh every day, whether it's from him dancing around the room or telling cheesy and "punny" jokes. He calms me down when I make the world way more complicated than it really is. He is one in a million- blessing me with a marriage filled with this incredible unconditional love. So when I'm crying out to God asking for a baby to join our family, I need to start reminding myself I already have a pretty awesome family. I am blessed :)

Love Has No Boundaries

I found this quote on Pinterest today and immediately loved it because it is so true. It's amazing how much love you can have for this little person that has yet to make an appearance.  Whoever God places in our arms will have never made me nauseous, kicked in my belly, or given me labor pains (I have a feeling I'll be somewhat grateful for missing out on a couple of those). Yet, our love for that little one will be just as strong as if we had experienced all those things. I have realized a mother's love is immediate. And I'm not talking about the moment you hold that baby. I mean that my love for our children began the day that we started our family... the day that we got married. Our vows meant more than just placing a ring on our fingers and becoming a Mr. and Mrs. It meant that we were starting a life together (a wonderful one, I must say!). I still remember how much I loved the blessings we received during that mass, especially the ones that talked about being blessed with children. I can still remember the joy and excitement I had at that moment, not only because I was starting my life with the love of my life, but also because it was at that moment that my love for our children began to grow. And since then, that love has multiplied time and time again. I see it each time I make a mental note of "I need to do that with our kids someday!" and each time I pass by our nursery (and say to myself "soon"). I feel it each time I pray, asking God to bless us with a child (maybe begging would be the more accurate description). And my favorite, I see it when I look at Dan and imagine how incredible he will be as a father and how much our kids are going to absolutely adore him. So I guess one advantage to this wait is that the love just keeps on growing, both for this child but also for one another. This baby is going to be surrounded by so much love, it's insane. We love you little one! I can't wait until the day we find each other!

Carry Your Cross

A little over a month ago, I had a pretty awesome experience while praying. I try to say a Divine Mercy Chaplet every day. I have found a lot of comfort in praying this prayer throughout our wait. Most days, I take some time alone to sit on our glider in the nursery, rock, and pray. It seems like the most appropriate place to pray. I find that room peaceful and full of hope. Not to mention, that glider is incredibly comfortable. Anyways, while I was praying I was getting overwhelmed with emotion and started telling God how much I've been hurting throughout all of this. I just let myself go and started pouring out all of my emotions in prayer. So here I was feeling sorry for myself, and then I looked down. The first thing I saw was the crucifix on my rosary. Immediately, I could hear Jesus saying, "So did I" in a comforting tone. Yes, He did hurt. He suffered and died for each one of us.  At that moment, I remembered that I'm not alone in this. He knows what it feels like to be in pain, whether it is physical or emotional. And he is always with us during these difficult moments.

Then today during the Gospel, I was reminded of the importance of carrying this cross. "Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me." -Mark 8:34  I tend to forget that infertility and the road to adoption is my cross to carry in this life, that I need to offer up this suffering for the Lord. I need to remind myself of this more and try to offer up the pain and frustration. God is using this period of suffering to mold my heart and bring me strength I never knew that I had. He is increasing my faith and trust in His will. Don't get me wrong, this is no doubt easier said than done.

God pours down many blessings on this journey. I will say that I am certain that He has made me a better person through this suffering. I have an even greater appreciation for the gift of life. It's insane how much society is a culture of death, with clinics providing abortions and doctors' offices plastering posters for contraceptives everywhere. I could really go on and on about this topic, but I'll save that for another day. Right now, I'll just say that it's infuriating how many people don't value life from the moment of conception. I want to scream from the rooftops how incredible natural family planning is for your health, your marriage, and your faith. But again, that's a post for another day.

This journey has brought Dan and me closer together. The nice thing about carrying this particular cross is that I have someone to lighten the load. When I am really down and losing hope, I have my husband lifting the weight off my shoulders. When I fall down, he picks me back up, dusts me off, and reminds me what all of this suffering is for. At the end of this journey, we will be rejoicing together, and the gift of our child will be that much sweeter. I know that no one really knows how this journey will end, but I do whole-heartedly believe that our prayers will be answered and we will one day be holding him or her in our arms.  

Control

One thing that I don't do well with is a loss of control. I like to know when things are going to happen and how. Otherwise, I start to get anxious and try to grab onto whatever control I can get my hands on. Let's just say that in adoption you have just about as much control over what is going to happen as you would while riding a bucking bronco at the rodeo. You hop on thinking, I'm going to hold on tight, and I'm going to come out of this a fighter. You start out a little rocky, getting tossed around a bit, but you still manage to hold on. Then you are thrown through the air and to the ground.

And so about 14 months ago, our rodeo began. Of course, going into everything I felt like I had a lot of control. I could make sure we completed all out paperwork quickly, set up all our classes and meetings right away, and make our own decisions on what type of situations we were open to being presented with. I felt like, "Wow, this is way easier than trying to get pregnant! I can actually have a little more control here!" WRONG! Let's just say, that's where the control ends. You sit and wait for ages, hoping someone will like your profile and ask to learn more about you. Then once you have been put into that group of families, you wait for about two weeks (that's right- 2 WEEKS) to see if they picked you. Then once you think you are picked, there's still no guarantee, as we unfortunately know all too well. And I think that's the worst part- going from holding who I thought was my little girl one day and finding out the next day that that would be the only time I'd get to snuggle up with her. Any control I thought I had was ripped from my hands in one phone call. I think what still kills me is how helpless I felt the night before, when we knew they weren't sure of the adoption plan anymore. We weren't allowed to contact them at all. All we could do was sit and wait (and we both knew what we were going to hear). Smack! That bronco threw us to the ground, and hard.

One thing I didn't say earlier in the rodeo comparison, is that those crazy rodeo guys always seem to want to come back for more. They come back next time to ride, as if the bronco never knocked the wind out of them. And my guess is, they probably don't even question it. They probably laugh when someone asks if they are going to quit. Why do I know this? If they are anything like a couple waiting to adopt, I know they will do anything to reach that victory and overcome that fall. When people have asked me if we are going to move forward in the adoption process, part of me wants to laugh. Of course! One thing the world should know, the love of a parent starts from day one. Not the moment the child is born, but rather the moment that parent hopes and dreams for their family to grow. At least, that has been the case for us. The reason I know that is just by knowing how much I loved baby girl from the second I knew about her. At that point, I hadn't seen her yet, never felt her kick inside of me, and I hadn't even met the birth parents yet. But boy did I love her!

So now, here we are again, waiting. We received another call a few weeks ago, but the couple chose to move forward with another family. So once again I feel that loss of control over our family's future. So what did I do? I had us take new pictures and spent hours obsessing over making our short profile perfect. I'm pretty sure Dan thinks I'm crazy for how much time I have sat at my computer obsessing over that thing. I've finally realized why. It's that last little bit of control I still have over everything. The one thing I can control is how our profile looks. I'm not going to lie, I'm glad I went crazy over it. It looks 10 times better than before. Now, all I can do is sit back, wait, and pray because it's out of my hands.

The one (very big) thing that helps me to let go of that control is knowing that even though it is out of our hands, it is in God's. Some days, it is extremely frustrating and all I can do is ask "Why?". On most days, though, it is a comfort. I know in my heart that God will provide. I can be patient with Him, especially since I know that he is being even more patient with me :)

Back to Work

And so it is that time of year again. Time to go back to work for a new school year. I think this is the first year I am actually somewhat excited to go back. I really enjoyed being off for most of the summer. I kept myself busy, trying to make sure I had something to get me out of the house every day.Then last week I hit a wall. I ran out of things to do, especially since a majority of the world works year round. Without something to do every day, I have been completely lost and just plain getting down in the dumps. As much as I complain about work during the school year, I've realized those kids keep a smile on my face and keep me going. Even though they aren't my own, they've become my "adoptive family" until an adoption decides to work out around here. Those kids make me laugh every day, let me play and be silly, and cheer me up when I'm down... and... of course test my patience (but isn't that what being a kid is all about?)

I've also realized how much I miss everyone I work with. I am so blessed to work with some of the most kind, supportive, and lovely ladies a girl could ask for. They have been a great support these past couple of years, and I can't wait to have our lunches and afternoon chats again. I have to admit, since we don't have a baby yet, I'm pretty bummed I'm only going back part time. But, it's too late- can't change my mind now. I'm looking around for some other part time work to get me outta the house the 2 days I'm off. So send up some prayers that I find the right thing for me. I'm hoping early intervention can work out in some way, but at this point I'm becoming open to just about anything kid related to get me out of the house and keeping my mind off of the fact that we are STILL waiting for a baby.

I'm sure you will be hearing from me again in a few weeks complaining about work, but for now I'm looking forward to getting out of the house and back into the groove of things.

Life on Pause

For the past few years, I have found myself constantly planning around a baby. This child we have yet to meet has been ruling my life! I have constantly found myself thinking about getting involved in one thing or another, only to say, "Eh, maybe after baby. Everything needs to be perfect and in place for when baby comes." NEWSFLASH! Sitting around waiting for this baby isn't going to make him or her come any faster. Taking a dance class when I thought I could be pregnant wasn't going to cause any major issues, but I didn't want to "take any chances." Then we started planning for an adoption, and I never wanted to get too involved in anything because I hate to drop out of a commitment last minute. Unfortunately there is very little plan time with an adoption, so dropping out of commitments is the only way to do anything. I tend to forget that people will understand if I don't show up to something because oh, you know, we finally get a baby. I think a lot of this whole putting my life on hold has made me feel like I'm constantly planning for baby, somehow making it more of a reality than just a dream. Instead, all I'm doing is driving myself crazy and not having any fun.

So... I'm trying to change my ways. Time to press play and get on with living my life. I just signed up to be a catechist for 3rd grade religious education at our parish, and I'm actually really excited about it. Not to mention, you would never believe what happened when I asked the supervisor if I could take a couple weeks off once we get a baby... she didn't even hesitate- of course! No way, someone at church saying I could have time off to spend with a baby I have waited for years for... haha... My way of thinking is just ridiculous sometimes. So while I was on my little high with that, I thought I'd get a little crazy and check out the programs at our recreation department for a class or two to take this fall , like yoga or zumba. I know people, watch out! I'm getting out! So I've been doing good starting to break away from this giant pause I've been taking. 

Then I hit a wall. I finished the online courses for early intervention certification and will be done with the live class Friday. Then it will be time for me to actually commit and go through with the certification. This is a step I'm a little more scared to take. First of all, it's something new, and I'm often not a fan of new...unless that new thing is a baby of course ;)  More so, taking on a caseload brings me back to my discomfort of not being prepared for baby to come any day. It's that whole cancelling on people last minute and not following through with commitments. Most of all, taking on another job is filling in the gaps that I didn't think would need filling when I decided to move to a part time position at work. Blah! Don't get me wrong, I am actually really excited about the potential of working in early intervention. I've always wanted to do it, but right now isn't what was in my little plan, you see. I figured I'd turn to it once we already had kids and I was looking for something to bring in a little extra money and keep me updated in my field. I didn't think it would be filling in the gaps that I was supposed to be spending with baby.

It's funny how just about everything is like salt being rubbed into the wound.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of that baby and wonder how she is doing. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder how everything came crashing down so quickly. And not a day goes by when I don't picture myself holding her at that very moment. Fortunately, what I do know is that some day we will bring home a baby and all this will have been worth it. If only we knew the when. It's pretty overwhelming remembering how many steps we are going to have to repeat... getting a call, waiting for an eternity to see if we are chosen, meeting the birth parents, waiting for baby, baby comes, and waiting again for everything to be final. That's a whole lot of emotions and a whole lot of waiting. I think I have been pretty good about being patient, but man, I'm running low here. I guess I have to keep reminding myself that there is a pretty amazing plan for my life, one that I need to be patient for... right now, I'm just not feeling all that patient. My hope is that the wait isn't much longer, but in this crazy thing called adoption, waiting is pretty much the name of the game. And so.... I wait, but this time not on pause. I'm pushing "play" and having some fun. Who said my life can't start until we have a baby? Why can't my dream be lived out now? After all, I am blessed immensely with wonderful family, friends, a job I love, and most importantly an incredible husband. When I remind myself of all that, I feel a little greedy for always begging for a baby, but not greedy enough to stop asking :)