Life on Pause

For the past few years, I have found myself constantly planning around a baby. This child we have yet to meet has been ruling my life! I have constantly found myself thinking about getting involved in one thing or another, only to say, "Eh, maybe after baby. Everything needs to be perfect and in place for when baby comes." NEWSFLASH! Sitting around waiting for this baby isn't going to make him or her come any faster. Taking a dance class when I thought I could be pregnant wasn't going to cause any major issues, but I didn't want to "take any chances." Then we started planning for an adoption, and I never wanted to get too involved in anything because I hate to drop out of a commitment last minute. Unfortunately there is very little plan time with an adoption, so dropping out of commitments is the only way to do anything. I tend to forget that people will understand if I don't show up to something because oh, you know, we finally get a baby. I think a lot of this whole putting my life on hold has made me feel like I'm constantly planning for baby, somehow making it more of a reality than just a dream. Instead, all I'm doing is driving myself crazy and not having any fun.

So... I'm trying to change my ways. Time to press play and get on with living my life. I just signed up to be a catechist for 3rd grade religious education at our parish, and I'm actually really excited about it. Not to mention, you would never believe what happened when I asked the supervisor if I could take a couple weeks off once we get a baby... she didn't even hesitate- of course! No way, someone at church saying I could have time off to spend with a baby I have waited for years for... haha... My way of thinking is just ridiculous sometimes. So while I was on my little high with that, I thought I'd get a little crazy and check out the programs at our recreation department for a class or two to take this fall , like yoga or zumba. I know people, watch out! I'm getting out! So I've been doing good starting to break away from this giant pause I've been taking. 

Then I hit a wall. I finished the online courses for early intervention certification and will be done with the live class Friday. Then it will be time for me to actually commit and go through with the certification. This is a step I'm a little more scared to take. First of all, it's something new, and I'm often not a fan of new...unless that new thing is a baby of course ;)  More so, taking on a caseload brings me back to my discomfort of not being prepared for baby to come any day. It's that whole cancelling on people last minute and not following through with commitments. Most of all, taking on another job is filling in the gaps that I didn't think would need filling when I decided to move to a part time position at work. Blah! Don't get me wrong, I am actually really excited about the potential of working in early intervention. I've always wanted to do it, but right now isn't what was in my little plan, you see. I figured I'd turn to it once we already had kids and I was looking for something to bring in a little extra money and keep me updated in my field. I didn't think it would be filling in the gaps that I was supposed to be spending with baby.

It's funny how just about everything is like salt being rubbed into the wound.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of that baby and wonder how she is doing. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder how everything came crashing down so quickly. And not a day goes by when I don't picture myself holding her at that very moment. Fortunately, what I do know is that some day we will bring home a baby and all this will have been worth it. If only we knew the when. It's pretty overwhelming remembering how many steps we are going to have to repeat... getting a call, waiting for an eternity to see if we are chosen, meeting the birth parents, waiting for baby, baby comes, and waiting again for everything to be final. That's a whole lot of emotions and a whole lot of waiting. I think I have been pretty good about being patient, but man, I'm running low here. I guess I have to keep reminding myself that there is a pretty amazing plan for my life, one that I need to be patient for... right now, I'm just not feeling all that patient. My hope is that the wait isn't much longer, but in this crazy thing called adoption, waiting is pretty much the name of the game. And so.... I wait, but this time not on pause. I'm pushing "play" and having some fun. Who said my life can't start until we have a baby? Why can't my dream be lived out now? After all, I am blessed immensely with wonderful family, friends, a job I love, and most importantly an incredible husband. When I remind myself of all that, I feel a little greedy for always begging for a baby, but not greedy enough to stop asking :)