Oh the questions...

and comments. Overall, people only have wonderful and supportive things to say to us regarding adoption. We do get a lot of questions, mostly because generally people really don't know much about adoption. Really, unless you have experienced it all firsthand and been educated on all the adoption lingo most people don't know much, and how would they unless we educate them? A few years ago, I knew nothing. So here are some basics I want to share.

• When we refer to our son's "biological mother", we refer to her as his birth mother. I'd suggest avoiding "real mother" and even "biological mother". I've only heard people refer to her as his "real mom" a couple times and I know it wasn't meant by any means to be hurtful, but that can be something that stings a bit. Because guess what, I'm as "real" as it gets. And to me "biological mother" just seems so incredibly impersonal.

My real mom? Oh, you mean the lady that kisses these adorable cheeks 1,000 times a day? Or do you mean my birth mom? 'Cause she's pretty awesome too :)

• Please never use the phrase "she gave him up for adoption". This is one that I was guilty of prior to our adoption journey. It's just much better to refer to a birth mother "placing her child for adoption/with his or her adoptive family/forever family". This phrase just sounds so much more loving. A birth mother isn't giving her child away. Rather, she is likely making one of the most difficult and loving decisions she will ever make. 

• I am very open about our adoption story and happy to share it, but please don't ask a bunch of personal questions about my child's birth family. That is his story. Once I share it, I can't take it back. That is information for him to share as he likes when he is old enough to understand it all. 

• "Was his birth mother young?" Again, please don't ask personal information about this. But don't always assume that every birth mother is a pregnant teen. Birth mothers are all unique and span across many different ages, just as adoptive parents do.

• "Why did his birth mother choose adoption?"- Seriously? Don't go there. Please never ask an adoptive family this question. To me, this is so deeply personal. I feel like it puts me in an awkward position because I don't always know how to decline the question. What I find funny is that a lot of times the question is prefaced with "you don't have to share if you don't want to" or "I don't know if I should ask this". You're right, I don't want to share this, and you really shouldn't ask this (especially if I'm really not that close with you!) All you need to know is that any mother who places her child for adoption did so out of incredible love for her child. That is all anyone needs to know. 

Don't ask that question. It's between me, my mama, and pops.

• Just because someone has adopted, does not mean the child is from another country. I can't tell you how many times I have been asked "Where is he from?" (usually when my fair skinned son is not around to show it was likely a domestic adoption). Of course, this is by no means a hurtful question. I don't mind answering it. I just feel like the person on the other end is either surprised or disappointed when I respond "central Illinois". I guess that's not quite as adventurous as Ethiopia or China. 

The Land of Lincoln? Really? You mean to tell me I'm not from Korea?

• Can't forget one of the most famous- "You'll get pregnant once you adopt". Maybe, but it won't be because we adopted. And let's face it, when you say it that way it makes it seem like adoption is a back-up or second choice. I feel BLESSED to have had my heart molded to become open to adoption. It is a calling I am passionate about, and I love my son more than I can express. For more on this topic, head over to Blessed to Be. She has a great post on the topic.

• Going along with the last point, adoption isn't necessarily the final, last resort option for a couple with infertility. Even typing that makes me uncomfortable. I hate to even put "last resort" in reference to adoption. Because it absolutely is not! The reason I am making this point though, is that so many people have opened up to me about their experiences with IVF once they find out about our adoption experience. I feel like a lot of people assume we did the same, and it really bothers me. Mostly because we completely disagree with it, and I can go on and on about how much IVF bugs me on so many levels including putting a band-aid on a problem, the mindset of being entitled to a child, and most importantly humans trying to play God. But I digress... So anyways, let the world know that pretty much the second we found out pregnancy would be difficult to achieve we jumped right into adoption. For us, it wasn't a back-up plan. It just took a little push and some time to open our hearts to this incredibly awesome way to grow our family.

Adoption rocks!

• "I could never have a relationship with my child's birth mother" or the look of horror as I tell someone that I am in contact with my son's birth mother weekly and that we have and will continue to have periodic visits with her- Now this is something I would never ever judge someone on. It's such a difficult thing to envision, especially since there are so many unknowns until you actually know who your child's birth family is (if that's even an option). It took me a while to get to where I am now on my feelings regarding openness- it is certainly a process. I just ask people to learn more about it and keep an open mind. There are so many wonderful advantages to an open relationship, especially for my son to have hopefully a little more closure in the future. I'll save this topic for another post, though. I will just say, don't knock it 'til you try it. It can be one of the most unique and wonderful relationships you will ever experience.

• Any reference to money. Yes, we all know that in many cases adoption costs a lot. It really doesn't need to be acknowledged in conversation with me about my adoption experience.

I'll let you in on a secret. Money means squat when it comes to me. Just look at me!

I think I covered the most common topics that I've come across. If you've said any of the above things to me, don't worry about it. And I hope you aren't reading this thinking "Ah, she was totally referring to me when she wrote that one" because I have heard all of these things quite frequently from many people. And that is why I wrote this post. I want to continue to educate people about adoption. 

I leave you with this funny little video about things you shouldn't say to an adoptive family. 

If you wouldn't say it...

On another note, Happy Easter!

Makes My Heart Happy

 I can't even begin to express how much I love these two cuties! God is so very good!!!

Little Happies: Joyful Pictures

I'm joining in on this week's Little Happies a little late. It's been hard to sit down at the computer lately, but I really wanted to join in this week because I love going through pictures. So here are some of my favorite pictures. Head over to Blessed to Be to check out the link-up.

-one-

In college I was very involved in the retreat program through our church. This was a shopping trip for food for one of the retreat weekends. It was my first time on team and one of my favorite experiences from college. Through this retreat program I increased my faith, met some of my best friends, and most importantly met my husband.

-two-

This was taken at one of the formals that was thrown by several members of our retreat program/church each semester. It was always a huge event for us and such a blast. It was tradition to join arms in a circle and sing/dance to "American Pie" at the end of the night. 

-three-

Kristin and I met on our first Koinonia retreat in college. We were instant friends. In fact, we realized we had so much in common that we called each other Ditto. Kristin has become one of my best friends, and I am so blessed to have her in my life. This picture was taken in the back seat of a van on our way to Mississippi for a spring break service trip. That trip was filled with so many wonderful memories and lots of laughs.

-four-

I shared an apartment with my cousin, Lindsay, for the last two years of college. We had a lot of fun together, including dance parties on the breakfast bar.

-five-

To this day, my 22nd birthday was my favorite. Dan planned an amazing night in Chicago. We went to one of our now favorite restaurants, Wildfire followed by cocktails and dessert at the Signature Lounge on the 96th floor of the Hancock building. It was such a fun night and very special for me.

-six-

This was taken at our bridal shower in Effingham. Both of our families were there, and this is one of the only pictures I have of our entire family together. We are very fortunate that our families get along very well, and my parents usually come down to stay with us at Dan's family's house once a year. We are so blessed.

-seven-

I of course have to include a picture from our wedding day. Do I really need to explain this one?

-eight-

This is still one of my favorite pictures from our wedding day. It has always felt like a sneak peek into the future of the amazing dad that Dan would become. 

-nine-

Ah...paradise. I absolutely loved our honeymoon in the Bahamas. I would love to go back there someday. It was beautiful, relaxing, and so much fun. We also got to swim with the dolphins, which is something I have always wanted to do. 

-ten-

Receiving my Masters degree in Speech Pathology was one of my proudest moments. I worked extremely hard to get there, and talk about an incredible sense of relief at graduation! And I now have a job that I love. 

-eleven-

This picture was taken at our friend's Deaconate ordination. He is now a priest. In fact, he is the priest who baptized Nathan :)

-twelve-

Carolyn (the bride) is one of my best friends. We have been friends since kindergarten. We have a very special friendship that even when we go months without seeing each other, we can always pick up right where we left off. We've been through so much together, including both of our weddings.

-thirteen-

This is one of our favorite Halloween costumes, Doug Funny and Patty Mayonnaise. We had so much fun putting these costumes together. 

-fourteen-

We love the way we celebrate New Year's. We celebrate with our closest friends at our house in our pjs and usually spend the night playing games and occasionally dancing on the Xbox Kinect. 

-fifteen-

Also taken at one of our New Year's Eve bashes, the boys playing one of their nerdy games. And yes, Dan is in a onesie. He took PJ party to the extreme. In college, the girls in our group of couples were close and we hoped that some day our future husbands would be friends as well. I'd say that this picture proves that we have succeeded.

-sixteen-

I'm so blessed to have these ladies in my life. They are my best friends and like family to me. I love their kids like they are my nieces and nephew, and I know they think of Nathan in the same way. So blessed.

-seventeen-

Our first moments with our sweet son! I still can't believe I am writing about my son- my son. Eeee! So blessed!

-eighteen-

It has been really neat watching my brothers become uncles. I knew they would love their nephew, but their love for him is so apparent all the time. They absolutely love spending time with him and I know will always look out for him.

-nineteen-

I'd like to call this picture Answered Prayers. Megan has been such an incredible support for me throughout all of our infertility and our roller coaster ride through adoption. She was there with us the night of our failed adoption, and she was one of the first to meet Nathan when we brought him home. After a long road for both of us, we have our sweet little miracles, within 10 weeks of each other! God is so good! Not to mention, Mary Claire is my very first God child, and I am so honored to play such an important role in this sweet girl's life.

-twenty-

This picture cracks me up! I didn't even realize he made this face until I loaded the pictures to the computer. Without fail, this little man makes me laugh several times a day.

-twenty-one-

I was going to do 20 pics, but I can't leave this one off. This is it, I promise. This is my absolute favorite picture of Nathan. It melts my heart every time I look at it. This little boy has brought us so much joy! Love :)