Misplaced Anger

So lately I've been reflecting a bit on our overall adoption journey. What keeps coming to mind is the anger that I experienced throughout the process. I was constantly snapping at my husband over silly things, especially on a particularly stressful day. I also found myself vowing I would never ever return to our agency. I started blaming them for the wait and for all the heartache that I was experiencing. We did have some experiences that I still have to say I had every right to be upset with them about, but really at the end of the day, I was just angry that my child wasn't yet in my arms. And that kind of anger brought out the ugly in me.

I am in fact clothed in this picture... good old strapless dress ;)

As we started the adoption process, I felt in control. We cranked out all our paperwork, and we moved through the early stages quickly. Then the actual wait began. As time went on, the illusion of me having control over the process quickly began to fade away. And as I felt that loss of control throw me into a whirlwind, I blamed everyone else. To me at that time, it was clearly the agency's fault that the first match we were in fell through (even though that's not the case). So as I experienced that loss, I was angry with the agency and really the world. I let myself mourn the loss for months, and as I did I was just so angry. I kept replaying those moments of pure bliss over and over in my head and thinking of what could have been. What was the purpose of it all? Why did it even happen in the first place? It just didn't seem right to me, and it really took a good year or so to let it go. (insert Frozen soundtrack...sorry it's getting late and my inhibitions just aren't kicking in).

Looking back on everything, I now realize how misplaced my anger was. I blamed the agency because it was easy to do. Going through infertility, the adoption process, an intense adoption loss, and several calls that went no where took a huge toll on me. It's incredibly emotional with so many highs and lows. So yes, I was angry. Things weren't going my way, and for several years at that. This was certainly the most trying experience of my life. What's my point? I guess I'm just finally owning up to my anger and admitting that this whole adoption thing is HARD. I'm on the other side now, Praise the Lord! The anger has lifted, and suddenly I love my agency because they brought me my sweet son. So yea, we will probably go back. I no longer associate them with heartache. There's a good chance I'll experience the anger and frustration again when we begin our next adoption journey. Maybe it's not the best way to be, but it's how I survived. It almost seemed easier to be angry than to deal with the heartache.

So for those of you in the thick of it, if you are experiencing the anger and frustration... own it. Feel it, talk about it, and work through it. I'll tell you right now that those days that I was honest with myself and let it all out were the biggest relief ever. The longer I held it in, the more misplaced it became. And know that you are not alone. After a while, I finally realized that I didn't have to put on a happy face every day or be the strong one. Let's be honest, these journeys to motherhood that we are going through/have gone through are rough. They are the road less traveled, which can make it feel that much lonelier. I have found though that even though people may not fully grasp the pain of it all, they so desperately want to be there for us in the best way they know how. Even though I just wanted to quietly long for my sweet little one, allowing other people in was really what I needed.

I've also figured out the best thing of all. I speak as though I'm some great expert, and I'm so totally and completely not! So take it or leave it. I feel like I can compare adoption to childbirth in a sense. You always hear people say that they forget about the immense pain of childbirth when they see their sweet little one. While adoption is a little different, I feel like it's similar in that sense. Some of the pain will always be there, but I feel like it's so far removed at this point. Soooo far removed. Now that our son is home with us, our hearts are filled with joy. We would go through it all again in a heartbeat. All the anger and pain just doesn't seem so bad anymore, even though I openly admit it was a rough couple of years. He was entirely worth it. Sure, I wish it was an easier road, but it led me to the most perfect addition to our family. Not only is the anger gone, but I feel so immensely blessed. I know it's so much easier for me to say it now that I'm on the other side, but I do believe that these ridiculously heart wrenching journeys always bear fruit. No, we don't know what God has in store. Maybe another child is not in His Will for me, and just the thought of that kills me... but the journey will be fruitful in some way. And I think that is one thing that we can all hold on to at the end of the day. Our Father will take care of us. He will give us strength and help us to bear the weight of the cross. And if we get angry sometimes, so be it.