Here We Go Again

And so here we go again... we're back on the waiting family list. I do have to say that I felt a huge weight lifted when I was told we could go back on. I was a bit worried they would make us wait even longer. I feel like now we can move forward and check out what plan God has in store for us. That's not to say that I'm not looking back frequently. The loss of our potential adoption is still a pretty fresh wound, but I do feel like I have sorted through about a million emotions over the past week and a half, from disappointment to anger to self pity to an overall sense of loss, ending with some form of acceptance. I still miss both baby girl and the birth parents terribly. I feel like over the past two months, we formed a wonderful relationship with them. I only hope that our next match will result in a relationship similar to that one... AND a baby.

During adoption, you hear a lot about the transfer of power. Leading up to the adoption, the birth parents hold the "power". We are just sitting, waiting for the baby to be born and papers to be signed. There is nothing we can do but wait, hope, and build a relationship with the birth family (and of course pray like crazy). Once papers are signed, the power is transferred to the adoptive parents. The Cradle has always made us very aware of the difficulty of this transfer of power, grief, and overwhelming emotions the birth parents go through. I realized today that through this experience of a "change of heart" that I have gotten a small taste of what that has to feel like for the birth parents. I feel this incredible loss, for a daughter we were so prepared for. I think about her all the time. What is she doing now? (probably eating or sleeping at this point :) ) What will she look like a year from now, 10 years from now? There is nothing I can do to find out either. Our relationship with them has come to an end. She is with her forever family, in this case her birth family. At the end of the day, I do truly believe that they made the right decision. I think the way everything happened could have been a bit different, for everyone's sake, but I know that they will provide her with a loving home. Pray for them. It will likely be a rough road ahead for them, but I wish them all the happiness in the world. They are wonderful people. I only wish we could continue our relationship with them through adoption, but like I said it just wasn't right for them. All I can do at the end of the day is respect that, wish them well, and pray.

Please continue to pray for us. We are already beginning to heal. It's amazing what some time with family and friends and a few days at Disney World can do for your spirit. We have hope for what is to come, but for a while we will continue to feel a sense of loss for that baby girl in our lives and our dreams for her. We know that the best way to heal right now is to keep on trucking. I will admit, we're pretty good at this. After about 3 years of trying to build our family, we've learned to cope with disappointment and to remind ourselves that something pretty incredible is up ahead. It's the unknown that's hard. Our counselor told me today that there has been a steady flow for the past couple months, so hopefully our wait for the next call won't be long. I'm ready for it. Bring it on!