Carry Your Cross

A little over a month ago, I had a pretty awesome experience while praying. I try to say a Divine Mercy Chaplet every day. I have found a lot of comfort in praying this prayer throughout our wait. Most days, I take some time alone to sit on our glider in the nursery, rock, and pray. It seems like the most appropriate place to pray. I find that room peaceful and full of hope. Not to mention, that glider is incredibly comfortable. Anyways, while I was praying I was getting overwhelmed with emotion and started telling God how much I've been hurting throughout all of this. I just let myself go and started pouring out all of my emotions in prayer. So here I was feeling sorry for myself, and then I looked down. The first thing I saw was the crucifix on my rosary. Immediately, I could hear Jesus saying, "So did I" in a comforting tone. Yes, He did hurt. He suffered and died for each one of us.  At that moment, I remembered that I'm not alone in this. He knows what it feels like to be in pain, whether it is physical or emotional. And he is always with us during these difficult moments.

Then today during the Gospel, I was reminded of the importance of carrying this cross. "Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me." -Mark 8:34  I tend to forget that infertility and the road to adoption is my cross to carry in this life, that I need to offer up this suffering for the Lord. I need to remind myself of this more and try to offer up the pain and frustration. God is using this period of suffering to mold my heart and bring me strength I never knew that I had. He is increasing my faith and trust in His will. Don't get me wrong, this is no doubt easier said than done.

God pours down many blessings on this journey. I will say that I am certain that He has made me a better person through this suffering. I have an even greater appreciation for the gift of life. It's insane how much society is a culture of death, with clinics providing abortions and doctors' offices plastering posters for contraceptives everywhere. I could really go on and on about this topic, but I'll save that for another day. Right now, I'll just say that it's infuriating how many people don't value life from the moment of conception. I want to scream from the rooftops how incredible natural family planning is for your health, your marriage, and your faith. But again, that's a post for another day.

This journey has brought Dan and me closer together. The nice thing about carrying this particular cross is that I have someone to lighten the load. When I am really down and losing hope, I have my husband lifting the weight off my shoulders. When I fall down, he picks me back up, dusts me off, and reminds me what all of this suffering is for. At the end of this journey, we will be rejoicing together, and the gift of our child will be that much sweeter. I know that no one really knows how this journey will end, but I do whole-heartedly believe that our prayers will be answered and we will one day be holding him or her in our arms.