Control

One thing that I don't do well with is a loss of control. I like to know when things are going to happen and how. Otherwise, I start to get anxious and try to grab onto whatever control I can get my hands on. Let's just say that in adoption you have just about as much control over what is going to happen as you would while riding a bucking bronco at the rodeo. You hop on thinking, I'm going to hold on tight, and I'm going to come out of this a fighter. You start out a little rocky, getting tossed around a bit, but you still manage to hold on. Then you are thrown through the air and to the ground.

And so about 14 months ago, our rodeo began. Of course, going into everything I felt like I had a lot of control. I could make sure we completed all out paperwork quickly, set up all our classes and meetings right away, and make our own decisions on what type of situations we were open to being presented with. I felt like, "Wow, this is way easier than trying to get pregnant! I can actually have a little more control here!" WRONG! Let's just say, that's where the control ends. You sit and wait for ages, hoping someone will like your profile and ask to learn more about you. Then once you have been put into that group of families, you wait for about two weeks (that's right- 2 WEEKS) to see if they picked you. Then once you think you are picked, there's still no guarantee, as we unfortunately know all too well. And I think that's the worst part- going from holding who I thought was my little girl one day and finding out the next day that that would be the only time I'd get to snuggle up with her. Any control I thought I had was ripped from my hands in one phone call. I think what still kills me is how helpless I felt the night before, when we knew they weren't sure of the adoption plan anymore. We weren't allowed to contact them at all. All we could do was sit and wait (and we both knew what we were going to hear). Smack! That bronco threw us to the ground, and hard.

One thing I didn't say earlier in the rodeo comparison, is that those crazy rodeo guys always seem to want to come back for more. They come back next time to ride, as if the bronco never knocked the wind out of them. And my guess is, they probably don't even question it. They probably laugh when someone asks if they are going to quit. Why do I know this? If they are anything like a couple waiting to adopt, I know they will do anything to reach that victory and overcome that fall. When people have asked me if we are going to move forward in the adoption process, part of me wants to laugh. Of course! One thing the world should know, the love of a parent starts from day one. Not the moment the child is born, but rather the moment that parent hopes and dreams for their family to grow. At least, that has been the case for us. The reason I know that is just by knowing how much I loved baby girl from the second I knew about her. At that point, I hadn't seen her yet, never felt her kick inside of me, and I hadn't even met the birth parents yet. But boy did I love her!

So now, here we are again, waiting. We received another call a few weeks ago, but the couple chose to move forward with another family. So once again I feel that loss of control over our family's future. So what did I do? I had us take new pictures and spent hours obsessing over making our short profile perfect. I'm pretty sure Dan thinks I'm crazy for how much time I have sat at my computer obsessing over that thing. I've finally realized why. It's that last little bit of control I still have over everything. The one thing I can control is how our profile looks. I'm not going to lie, I'm glad I went crazy over it. It looks 10 times better than before. Now, all I can do is sit back, wait, and pray because it's out of my hands.

The one (very big) thing that helps me to let go of that control is knowing that even though it is out of our hands, it is in God's. Some days, it is extremely frustrating and all I can do is ask "Why?". On most days, though, it is a comfort. I know in my heart that God will provide. I can be patient with Him, especially since I know that he is being even more patient with me :)