Taking Prayer Requests

Next week we are heading to the Shrine of Our Lady of Good Help in Wisconsin. This is the first and only Vatican approved apparition of the Blessed Virgin Mary in the U.S. So we're pretty pumped to check it out! We plan to spend quite some time there on Monday and then possibly again on our way home Wednesday. In between, we'll enjoy some relaxation time in Door County. It's a much needed trip, and timing could not be better. We have quite a bit going on right now and could use some serious prayer time. I just wanted to extend the invitation for anyone who would like to share specific prayer requests for us to pray for while we are there. Just leave me a comment or email me privately. 

You can read more about the shrine here

Answered Prayers

This week I had prayers answered in a big way! The funny thing is, I never specifically prayed for this particular thing. This school year I have been working part time (planned when we were in a match last summer). When everything fell through last summer, we decided I would still work part time, hoping that we would be matched again soon. Well as you all know, that didn't quite happen. I have enjoyed working part time for the most part. I mean who wouldn't like a 4 day weekend almost every week? Plus, I have had the opportunity to pick up some extra days here and there. The thing is, I didn't realize until recently how much my job fulfills me and how much I need to work full time to be sane. Working part time is just a constant reminder that I'm stuck waiting. Being home should mean that I'm taking care of my beautiful child, not sitting around or running errands. Dan and I have talked about it a bit lately, but we knew there wasn't much we could do. If I go back full time and then we are blessed with a baby, I don't want to be stuck working for another full school year. And I also don't want to burn any bridges if I keep going back and forth. They may just tell me "so long!" And I can't really start a totally new job and then take time off right away either. So we just decided to keep my part time position for next year. But I still felt stuck.

But then, this past Thursday, an opportunity fell into my lap. My supervisor offered me a full time position for next year, a placement that I have a feeling I'm going to love! I told her that I would need a few days to talk about it with Dan. When I explained to her that it's very difficult to make any major decisions without ever knowing what tomorrow will bring, she stopped me. She told me that I could take this position, and the second we get our little one I can go back part time! I seriously thought I was dreaming! Suddenly a huge burden was lifted, a burden I hadn't realized I was carrying. All this time that I have been home more, I have felt bad that I couldn't contribute more to our family. When I'm at work, I feel like I have a purpose. The kids make me smile, and I like to think I make them smile too ;) So to have this opportunity feels incredible. Praise the Lord for an answer to my prayers! It's still hard not having our little one yet, but things like this just make the wait a little easier. I work with some of the most wonderful women, and I am blessed to have so many people that care so deeply for us and recognize that this journey isn't exactly an easy one.

So the past few days, my prayers were those of thanksgiving... and of course the usual request :)

Can't Make it Alone

So one thing I am pretty good at is telling myself that I'm strong and holding in a whole lot of frustration and tears until I'm just about ready to burst. Well, I think I have finally recognized that I can't do it anymore- holding it all in day in and day out is going to get me nowhere. One thing I will never give up on is trucking along this crazy, incredibly frustrating journey through adoption. I will fight through it all until the day I hold my precious child in my arms (and probably refuse to let anyone else get a turn for a while).

But what I'm getting at today is that as much as I want to, I can't always put a smile on my face and tell everyone I'm doing great. There are days when this journey isn't so hard, but there are also many days when I have moments that I feel like I'm just going to crumble. It's incredibly difficult not getting a call from our agency for months, fighting with them to expand our preferences (that's a whole other story for another day), and watching the world around us enjoy their beautiful children. For so long, I have put on a brave face and kept it all in. I don't want people to feel bad for me or make a big deal about it. I don't want to be the one that's always complaining about how things won't go my way. But yesterday... yesterday I reached my limit. Work was nuts and incredibly frustrating on so many levels. I felt sick the entire day after getting little to no sleep the night before (for no reason at all). The stress of decision-making for our upcoming bathroom remodel got too overwhelming. And to top it off, we're still not parents. It's not like yesterday was any different with regard to the adoption stuff, but somehow when the rest of my world is overwhelming, the lack of children in our home just pushes me past my limit. So the best solution? Vent to my amazing husband. And go to bed.

As I cautiously went through the day today, I am pleased to announce that today is a much better day. And I have learned oh so quickly that I need to let people in. I rarely talk much about adoption at work because again, I don't want to feel like I'm always complaining. But today, I just let it out. I talked with a few coworkers about it being a rough few months and that the whole process is really starting to wear on me. I talked about how much it can hurt to feel like no one is picking us and to wonder WHY? And I spent close to an hour after work with one of the teachers I haven't talked to in far too long, just letting my heart pour out. I am so blessed to work with some of the most incredible women I know! Our school is often referred to as a family, and it is so true. We laugh, cry, complain, and celebrate together. Today, they were listening ears, support, and hugs. When Dan and I bring home our sweet little one, they will be dancing on the rooftops with us.

So aside from rambling, what's my point? I can't do this alone. None of us can. (And I'm not- don't get me wrong. I have a pretty incredible husband right at my side.) I guess what I realized is that I can't walk through this journey always being the strong one. I can't be thrilled about the way things are going every day. And I'm not going to find an incredible lesson or leap of faith every day. (Although I will admit, those moments are pretty awesome.) Some days just need to be bad days. Some days I need to ditch the smile and not give the fake "good!" when someone asks how I'm doing. Because guess what!? When I let myself share a little of my burden with family and friends, I walk away from that day with a true smile on my face and support at my side.

So maybe I can get by doing this alone, but really I'm not going to keep my sanity in the process. I need my husband. I need my family. I need my friends. I need a bad day here and there. And above all, I need God. Because let's face it, if I didn't have my faith I would have fallen to pieces by now. And when things get tough, somehow He always shows me that life is good and his love for me is beyond anything I can ever imagine.

News that makes me ask WHY?

It's hard enough waiting to be blessed with a child, not knowing when the day will come. Most of the time keeping busy helps, and my faith is by far my lifesaver. But no matter how I'm doing with our own journey, nothing kills me more than hearing things like this: Dead infant found in a cooler

I just can't comprehend how someone goes through an entire pregnancy, feels that child move inside her, goes through labor and childbirth, and then dumps her child. There are safe haven laws- that newborns can be left with a hospital or the police, no questions asked. That child can be placed with an adoptive family. It just breaks my heart to know that that little boy could have had a loving home, with a couple who wants nothing more than to love him to pieces. Things like this just show us how much more work we have to do in educating people on adoption or on assistance for mothers who need it.

I thought I'd have more to say on the subject, but I'm just mad and disheartened by this whole thing. I know this is just one of probably many more cases that I don't know about. But going through adoption, as someone who wants more than anything to be a mother, makes hearing these situations that much harder.