Can't Make it Alone

So one thing I am pretty good at is telling myself that I'm strong and holding in a whole lot of frustration and tears until I'm just about ready to burst. Well, I think I have finally recognized that I can't do it anymore- holding it all in day in and day out is going to get me nowhere. One thing I will never give up on is trucking along this crazy, incredibly frustrating journey through adoption. I will fight through it all until the day I hold my precious child in my arms (and probably refuse to let anyone else get a turn for a while).

But what I'm getting at today is that as much as I want to, I can't always put a smile on my face and tell everyone I'm doing great. There are days when this journey isn't so hard, but there are also many days when I have moments that I feel like I'm just going to crumble. It's incredibly difficult not getting a call from our agency for months, fighting with them to expand our preferences (that's a whole other story for another day), and watching the world around us enjoy their beautiful children. For so long, I have put on a brave face and kept it all in. I don't want people to feel bad for me or make a big deal about it. I don't want to be the one that's always complaining about how things won't go my way. But yesterday... yesterday I reached my limit. Work was nuts and incredibly frustrating on so many levels. I felt sick the entire day after getting little to no sleep the night before (for no reason at all). The stress of decision-making for our upcoming bathroom remodel got too overwhelming. And to top it off, we're still not parents. It's not like yesterday was any different with regard to the adoption stuff, but somehow when the rest of my world is overwhelming, the lack of children in our home just pushes me past my limit. So the best solution? Vent to my amazing husband. And go to bed.

As I cautiously went through the day today, I am pleased to announce that today is a much better day. And I have learned oh so quickly that I need to let people in. I rarely talk much about adoption at work because again, I don't want to feel like I'm always complaining. But today, I just let it out. I talked with a few coworkers about it being a rough few months and that the whole process is really starting to wear on me. I talked about how much it can hurt to feel like no one is picking us and to wonder WHY? And I spent close to an hour after work with one of the teachers I haven't talked to in far too long, just letting my heart pour out. I am so blessed to work with some of the most incredible women I know! Our school is often referred to as a family, and it is so true. We laugh, cry, complain, and celebrate together. Today, they were listening ears, support, and hugs. When Dan and I bring home our sweet little one, they will be dancing on the rooftops with us.

So aside from rambling, what's my point? I can't do this alone. None of us can. (And I'm not- don't get me wrong. I have a pretty incredible husband right at my side.) I guess what I realized is that I can't walk through this journey always being the strong one. I can't be thrilled about the way things are going every day. And I'm not going to find an incredible lesson or leap of faith every day. (Although I will admit, those moments are pretty awesome.) Some days just need to be bad days. Some days I need to ditch the smile and not give the fake "good!" when someone asks how I'm doing. Because guess what!? When I let myself share a little of my burden with family and friends, I walk away from that day with a true smile on my face and support at my side.

So maybe I can get by doing this alone, but really I'm not going to keep my sanity in the process. I need my husband. I need my family. I need my friends. I need a bad day here and there. And above all, I need God. Because let's face it, if I didn't have my faith I would have fallen to pieces by now. And when things get tough, somehow He always shows me that life is good and his love for me is beyond anything I can ever imagine.