Learning to Give up the Worry

I'm a worrier. It's no secret. One of my biggest fears since high school was that I wouldn't be able to have kids. I feared infertility for years without any real reason to even think about it. I never had any reason to worry (even though I now know my body is a mess). As far as I knew everything was fine, but the desire for kids was so strong that it still became a fear. I may not have known what I wanted to do with my life, but I knew that I wanted to get married and have kids. 

Somehow when we got married, that fear melted away. I was confident that we'd get pregnant quickly. As months and then years passed by, my fear was suddenly coming true. Once we knew that becoming pregnant would be difficult, by the grace of God I quickly moved on. We were ready to start our family, and adoption was suddenly our calling. There really was never a question or a doubt about it. Somehow we just knew that God was tugging on our hearts to start our family in this beautiful way. 

Suddenly a new fear came into play. What if we had to wait for a long time? What if a birth family changed their minds last minute and we had to experience that dreaded change of heart? Surely that would never happen to us. We had already gone through enough, but what if? Well, yet again my fears were coming true, some of my biggest, heart dropping into my stomach fears were coming true. I kept saying that I just couldn't handle much more. But guess what- God said, yes you can. He gave me strength that just a few years ago I would have never believed I had. Sure, there were days that I felt like my hope was just holding on by a thread, but there was always hope. There was always fear too, but at the end of the day my hope always won.

So what am I getting at here? Well you see, the other day I was sitting staring at this gorgeous little man... 

and I realized that I've lived and survived my biggest fear. He is ultimately the result of my biggest fear. If Dan and I had been able to get pregnant right away, we never would have been blessed with THIS sweet, joyful soul. I never would have gotten to kiss the back of his soft, chubby neck or rock his little cranky self to sleep. I wouldn't have felt my heart explode with joy as he smiled and cooed at me. And I wouldn't hear him scream out "mom" while crying- that's right he's a genius ;) He says mom all the time when he's crying (and yes I'm fully aware as a speech pathologist that this is not really his first word since he has no idea what he's saying- but it's still adorable). You see, if I hadn't lived my fear of infertility and my fear of waiting for a baby and my fear of a failed adoption, I never would have had the chance to be this little miracle's mommy. And to think of my life without this sweet little man is unimaginable. He brings so much joy to Dan and me and to our family and friends. He is the result of my greatest fear. He has taught me that it's just not worth the worries. Worrying doesn't do anyone any good. God has a plan for my life. He brought me on a journey. Sure, it was a rough one with many obstacles and frustrations, but it brought me to Nathan, AND I survived. I discovered strength I never knew I had. I went through this incredibly rough time with my husband at my side, and we got through it in one piece. I saw the beauty and love in so many people. And I'm still hear to talk about it... with a smile :) 

So next time around, I will need to come back and read this post to remind myself that it's not worth the worries. God has a plan, and it will be beautiful. It may be difficult, but I will survive. I may fall and feel like I can't get back up, but I will have Dan there to lift me up. And when I am on my knees telling God I just can't deal with the wait any longer. He will again remind me, that "yes, you can". I will have the prayers and love of family and friends that will push me through. And through it all, I will have my little man coming along for the ride.