Taking a Bite of the Reality Sandwich

I'm not going to lie, coming into this whole parenting thing I was wearing rose colored glasses. I heard over and over again that it was going to be one of the hardest things that I would ever do. I believed it to some extent, but at the same time I downplayed how hard it would be in my mind. After going through so much to get here, I was convinced that my overwhelming happiness and love for my son would conquer all. After all we had been through we were going to appreciate it all more. It would take me that much longer to get frustrated or need a break. Guess what? I was wrong. I forgot that I'm human. Don't get me wrong, the day we welcomed Nathan into this world and into our family is one of the happiest I will ever experience. But it was also overwhelming, nerve-wracking, and completely exhausting. By the end of the day I was staring at my son, but all I could think about was how hungry and tired I was and that my darn headache just wouldn't subside. I needed a break, and it was only day one. Was I a bad mom for being okay with leaving my baby to sleep for the night? Wasn't it supposed to kill me to have to deal with separation already after waiting for so long? The simple answer is no! (and it's still hard for me to admit that). I had gone through one of the most tiring and overwhelming days of my life. I needed a break to be a good mom to my son the next day. And sure enough, the very next day I felt refreshed and ready to love on my son.

This feeling is something I struggle with a lot. I feel like as someone who has struggled with infertility and a very long road to my child through adoption, I am supposed to be constantly grateful for this blessing. My prayers were answered, so I need to appreciate it. I've heard other bloggers in similar situations reflect on some of these feelings. I now get what they were saying. I feel like I'm in limbo now. I can relate with others on the struggle through infertility, but I'm also incredibly joyful as I finally get to experience being a mommy. Then I also feel guilty when things get hard and I just want to complain. I'm finally realizing that I'm human. When my son cries every night and refuses to eat, I'm going to get frustrated. I'm going to need a break. It's okay to take a trip to Target and leave him with his daddy because I need to get away for a little bit. It's okay for me to enjoy having a chance to sit and eat a hot lunch at work and have the option to use two hands and take my time. In fact, it's okay that I'm enjoying my time at work. It's okay for me to sleep in on Saturday morning when my wonderful husband is taking care of Nathan.

I think it's so easy to be hard on myself for not being thankful 100% of the time and not enjoying every last second with the child I've prayed so hard for. But guess what- being a parent isn't all sunshine and rainbows every moment of every day! Especially these first few months. So I guess my point is if you find yourself in the same boat, give yourself a break. It's only human to get frustrated and need time to yourself. It doesn't make you any less of a loving mother. I hear it all the time- you need to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of your family. It's so very true. I am a better mother when I admit I need help, when I share my frustrations and worries with others, and when I give myself a break. Going through infertility and this super long wait most certainly makes me incredibly grateful for this beautiful gift, but it doesn't make me supermom. I'm not immune to frustration, uncertainty, and exhaustion. I'm only human. So if you are anything like me, give yourself a break. I'm trying to do the same.

P.S. Colic stinks! Prayers and any secret tips are welcome!