Hope

We got another call from the Cradle a little over a week ago with a request for our profile. I was finally content with the idea of not having a baby by Christmas, or really this year for that matter. And then the phone goes off. Of course, I immediately jump to planning as if this child is already mine (not even close) and could hardly contain my excitement. Fortunately, we were told we'd most likely find out if we were chosen by Christmas Eve. Perfect! We'd have our Christmas miracle! Well, you see, unfortunately this little one just wasn't ours. We got the call early Christmas Eve morning with those dreaded words, "I wish I had better news..."  That never ends well. We've heard that phrase a few too many times this year. I'm pretty sure those counselors have a script they read from with a choice of phrases to use to let us down easy.

I have mixed feelings about this particular situation. Part of me is incredibly frustrated. You can't help but wonder "What's wrong with us?", especially when our profile has been passed on twice in the past 4 months. At the same time, I try to think on the positive end of things. Our profile has been presented twice in the past 4 months AND on the very first time our profile was presented last spring, we were chosen! So these let downs, though frustrating, also bring a bit of hope. These requests for our profile also seem to give me that extra push to pray like crazy. I can't remember the last time I prayed so hard in the course of just a couple days. My prayer life was pretty pathetic there for a while. Funny how God knows how to give me that jump start. Present hope for a baby, and my knees hit the floor! Now the key is to keep it up.... I'm already guilty of falling back into my unmotivated ways.

In related news, our close friends that we met through the Cradle welcomed home their son this week! It's so exciting to see an adoption work out. Talk about hope! We get to meet him next week, and I can't wait!  I just hope we are welcoming home our little one soon. Pray for us!

I have to put in the shameless plug to pass on our information. Please contact us if you know someone with an unplanned pregnancy who is considering adoption. Our agency does not have to find a match for us. We can find someone ourselves as well. More information on us can be found in the following places:

Cradle website: Our Online Profile
Our Facebook page (go to the page and "like" it please): Dan and Lisa Adoption Page
YouTube video: Dan and Lisa Video

Family Prayer

One of those daydreams that I have when I think of us with our kids is how we are going to help to form their faith. Teaching religious education this year has solidified my views on the importance of faith formation beginning at home. If we aren't showing our kids how to pray or being examples of how to participate at mass, how are our kids going to learn these things? Yes, school (if a Catholic school) or religious education can help to reinforce what we have already taught, but it is truly up to us to begin and continue to be a driving force in that process. I was blessed to grow up in a family who prayed before meals each night and spent every Sunday morning at mass. I knelt next to my bed each night to say my prayers, and I always loved setting up our nativity scene for Christmas. I have my parents to thank for leading me in the right direction to growing closer to God. And they continue to be that great example for me by praying for Dan and me and our (hopefully) growing family, through their selfless actions for those they love, and by playing active roles in their parish for years.

Before Dan and I got married, I remember being reminded that an important part of being married is that you are working to get one another to Heaven. Now I truly have a greater understanding of that. I am seeing God's work in action through the conversations we have and the desire to learn together. Dan pushes me to be a better person and to strive to have a better prayer life. I have realized that I still have so much to learn and I have this genius living in the same house as me. Wanna learn more about our faith? Pick my husband's brain. He is so incredibly knowledgeable and just loves sharing that knowledge! He makes me a better person by being an example day in and day out of living the faith. Our kids are going to be so lucky to have such a strong faithful man to guide them.

I realize now, more than ever, the importance of our kids' faith formation starting at home. It begins day one. Kids are born to absorb information like a sponge. And we are the ones they will be looking to most. I have also realized that I need to start practicing this better prayer life now. I'm guilty of letting my day pass by without any true quiet time to really pray. I was good for a while, praying the chaplet, but I haven't even been great about that lately. I have found myself getting jaded with the adoption process.  Unfortunately, in turn, that has been part of the reason that I let my prayer life go a little bit. It can be hard praying for the same thing day in and day out and not feeling like you've received a direct answer besides "not right now". While talking with Dan yesterday, I was reminded of how incredible our faith and our God is. I have so much to learn AND so much to be thankful for. God deserves more of my day than the two minutes I spend begging for a child. He deserves a thank you and some prayers of praise and also penance. 

So yesterday, Dan sent me a link to a blog on how to start a family prayer altar in your home.  We actually have the perfect place to do it on a small table in our front room. Right now, it has our beautiful nativity scene. I think we are going to give this prayer altar a try. Hopefully it will lead to many more discussions and nights of family prayer. While looking at the site he sent, I came across this blog post on praying a family rosary and loved it! I thought I'd add the link here: Tips for Praying a Family Rosary (I particularly like tip #8).  

It's funny. I hate this whole waiting thing when it comes to having a child of our own, but I have seen God move mountains in my life. Little by little, he is molding me into a better mother each day. So despite my frustrations, I can see how He is working constantly preparing this loving home for our children.

Waiting for Something Special

I spend a lot of time in the car driving to and from work each day, which leaves a lot of time to listen to the radio. I feel like I am constantly hearing the same songs over and over again, but there is one that has yet to get old for me, I Will Wait by Mumford and Sons. I absolutely love this song! I'm not sure of the meaning behind the lyrics, but to me the song is a pick me up and has a bit of a spiritual aspect to it. I love singing along. I feel like it's my little prayer, telling my little one that I'm waiting and telling God that I will wait to see His beautiful plan for my life. I know he has a great plan in store for us. Can't wait until then :) Here's a video of the song!

Blessed

I have had myself so focused on the adoption and the fact that we don't have a baby yet, that I haven't been as grateful for the good I already have in my life. I have found that it's so easy to look past all the things that I do have and yearn for those I don't. Today I was reminded of all the blessings in my life and all the answered prayers I have already received. I was off today, so I decided to take the opportunity to pray the Divine Chaplet at 3:00 with the Relevant Radio broadcast. I always get so focused on my own prayers that I thought praying for other people's intentions in addition to my own would be a good change. Many of the callers today were praying for their relationships, for those that have ended in divorce or those headed that way. Others were praying for a light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to financial hardship and unemployment. That was most certainly a moment when I had a bit of a wake up call. I was reminded then of the many blessings I already have in my life. I have a loving family who I love spending time with (especially game nights) and I know will always be there for me and bring me happiness. I have a strong group of friends who listen to me, make me laugh, and bring joy into my life. I have a job that I love and that is flexible enough for me to be home more once a little one joins our family. I have a home in a neighborhood I love and that I look forward to filling with children one day.

And of course, I didn't forget my greatest blessing and answered prayer... 

I prayed for years to meet someone. Then one summer, I went on a retreat and spotted this guy...

Turns out he was a pretty good catch...

And has made me happy since the day we met...

And so we started our family.

I am blessed to have found my husband so early in life. I am married to a man with incredible faith, who lives his calling to bring me (and himself) closer to God. He makes sacrifices for me constantly and smiles despite many moments when I guarantee I test his patience. He makes me laugh every day, whether it's from him dancing around the room or telling cheesy and "punny" jokes. He calms me down when I make the world way more complicated than it really is. He is one in a million- blessing me with a marriage filled with this incredible unconditional love. So when I'm crying out to God asking for a baby to join our family, I need to start reminding myself I already have a pretty awesome family. I am blessed :)

Love Has No Boundaries

I found this quote on Pinterest today and immediately loved it because it is so true. It's amazing how much love you can have for this little person that has yet to make an appearance.  Whoever God places in our arms will have never made me nauseous, kicked in my belly, or given me labor pains (I have a feeling I'll be somewhat grateful for missing out on a couple of those). Yet, our love for that little one will be just as strong as if we had experienced all those things. I have realized a mother's love is immediate. And I'm not talking about the moment you hold that baby. I mean that my love for our children began the day that we started our family... the day that we got married. Our vows meant more than just placing a ring on our fingers and becoming a Mr. and Mrs. It meant that we were starting a life together (a wonderful one, I must say!). I still remember how much I loved the blessings we received during that mass, especially the ones that talked about being blessed with children. I can still remember the joy and excitement I had at that moment, not only because I was starting my life with the love of my life, but also because it was at that moment that my love for our children began to grow. And since then, that love has multiplied time and time again. I see it each time I make a mental note of "I need to do that with our kids someday!" and each time I pass by our nursery (and say to myself "soon"). I feel it each time I pray, asking God to bless us with a child (maybe begging would be the more accurate description). And my favorite, I see it when I look at Dan and imagine how incredible he will be as a father and how much our kids are going to absolutely adore him. So I guess one advantage to this wait is that the love just keeps on growing, both for this child but also for one another. This baby is going to be surrounded by so much love, it's insane. We love you little one! I can't wait until the day we find each other!

Carry Your Cross

A little over a month ago, I had a pretty awesome experience while praying. I try to say a Divine Mercy Chaplet every day. I have found a lot of comfort in praying this prayer throughout our wait. Most days, I take some time alone to sit on our glider in the nursery, rock, and pray. It seems like the most appropriate place to pray. I find that room peaceful and full of hope. Not to mention, that glider is incredibly comfortable. Anyways, while I was praying I was getting overwhelmed with emotion and started telling God how much I've been hurting throughout all of this. I just let myself go and started pouring out all of my emotions in prayer. So here I was feeling sorry for myself, and then I looked down. The first thing I saw was the crucifix on my rosary. Immediately, I could hear Jesus saying, "So did I" in a comforting tone. Yes, He did hurt. He suffered and died for each one of us.  At that moment, I remembered that I'm not alone in this. He knows what it feels like to be in pain, whether it is physical or emotional. And he is always with us during these difficult moments.

Then today during the Gospel, I was reminded of the importance of carrying this cross. "Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me." -Mark 8:34  I tend to forget that infertility and the road to adoption is my cross to carry in this life, that I need to offer up this suffering for the Lord. I need to remind myself of this more and try to offer up the pain and frustration. God is using this period of suffering to mold my heart and bring me strength I never knew that I had. He is increasing my faith and trust in His will. Don't get me wrong, this is no doubt easier said than done.

God pours down many blessings on this journey. I will say that I am certain that He has made me a better person through this suffering. I have an even greater appreciation for the gift of life. It's insane how much society is a culture of death, with clinics providing abortions and doctors' offices plastering posters for contraceptives everywhere. I could really go on and on about this topic, but I'll save that for another day. Right now, I'll just say that it's infuriating how many people don't value life from the moment of conception. I want to scream from the rooftops how incredible natural family planning is for your health, your marriage, and your faith. But again, that's a post for another day.

This journey has brought Dan and me closer together. The nice thing about carrying this particular cross is that I have someone to lighten the load. When I am really down and losing hope, I have my husband lifting the weight off my shoulders. When I fall down, he picks me back up, dusts me off, and reminds me what all of this suffering is for. At the end of this journey, we will be rejoicing together, and the gift of our child will be that much sweeter. I know that no one really knows how this journey will end, but I do whole-heartedly believe that our prayers will be answered and we will one day be holding him or her in our arms.  

Control

One thing that I don't do well with is a loss of control. I like to know when things are going to happen and how. Otherwise, I start to get anxious and try to grab onto whatever control I can get my hands on. Let's just say that in adoption you have just about as much control over what is going to happen as you would while riding a bucking bronco at the rodeo. You hop on thinking, I'm going to hold on tight, and I'm going to come out of this a fighter. You start out a little rocky, getting tossed around a bit, but you still manage to hold on. Then you are thrown through the air and to the ground.

And so about 14 months ago, our rodeo began. Of course, going into everything I felt like I had a lot of control. I could make sure we completed all out paperwork quickly, set up all our classes and meetings right away, and make our own decisions on what type of situations we were open to being presented with. I felt like, "Wow, this is way easier than trying to get pregnant! I can actually have a little more control here!" WRONG! Let's just say, that's where the control ends. You sit and wait for ages, hoping someone will like your profile and ask to learn more about you. Then once you have been put into that group of families, you wait for about two weeks (that's right- 2 WEEKS) to see if they picked you. Then once you think you are picked, there's still no guarantee, as we unfortunately know all too well. And I think that's the worst part- going from holding who I thought was my little girl one day and finding out the next day that that would be the only time I'd get to snuggle up with her. Any control I thought I had was ripped from my hands in one phone call. I think what still kills me is how helpless I felt the night before, when we knew they weren't sure of the adoption plan anymore. We weren't allowed to contact them at all. All we could do was sit and wait (and we both knew what we were going to hear). Smack! That bronco threw us to the ground, and hard.

One thing I didn't say earlier in the rodeo comparison, is that those crazy rodeo guys always seem to want to come back for more. They come back next time to ride, as if the bronco never knocked the wind out of them. And my guess is, they probably don't even question it. They probably laugh when someone asks if they are going to quit. Why do I know this? If they are anything like a couple waiting to adopt, I know they will do anything to reach that victory and overcome that fall. When people have asked me if we are going to move forward in the adoption process, part of me wants to laugh. Of course! One thing the world should know, the love of a parent starts from day one. Not the moment the child is born, but rather the moment that parent hopes and dreams for their family to grow. At least, that has been the case for us. The reason I know that is just by knowing how much I loved baby girl from the second I knew about her. At that point, I hadn't seen her yet, never felt her kick inside of me, and I hadn't even met the birth parents yet. But boy did I love her!

So now, here we are again, waiting. We received another call a few weeks ago, but the couple chose to move forward with another family. So once again I feel that loss of control over our family's future. So what did I do? I had us take new pictures and spent hours obsessing over making our short profile perfect. I'm pretty sure Dan thinks I'm crazy for how much time I have sat at my computer obsessing over that thing. I've finally realized why. It's that last little bit of control I still have over everything. The one thing I can control is how our profile looks. I'm not going to lie, I'm glad I went crazy over it. It looks 10 times better than before. Now, all I can do is sit back, wait, and pray because it's out of my hands.

The one (very big) thing that helps me to let go of that control is knowing that even though it is out of our hands, it is in God's. Some days, it is extremely frustrating and all I can do is ask "Why?". On most days, though, it is a comfort. I know in my heart that God will provide. I can be patient with Him, especially since I know that he is being even more patient with me :)

Back to Work

And so it is that time of year again. Time to go back to work for a new school year. I think this is the first year I am actually somewhat excited to go back. I really enjoyed being off for most of the summer. I kept myself busy, trying to make sure I had something to get me out of the house every day.Then last week I hit a wall. I ran out of things to do, especially since a majority of the world works year round. Without something to do every day, I have been completely lost and just plain getting down in the dumps. As much as I complain about work during the school year, I've realized those kids keep a smile on my face and keep me going. Even though they aren't my own, they've become my "adoptive family" until an adoption decides to work out around here. Those kids make me laugh every day, let me play and be silly, and cheer me up when I'm down... and... of course test my patience (but isn't that what being a kid is all about?)

I've also realized how much I miss everyone I work with. I am so blessed to work with some of the most kind, supportive, and lovely ladies a girl could ask for. They have been a great support these past couple of years, and I can't wait to have our lunches and afternoon chats again. I have to admit, since we don't have a baby yet, I'm pretty bummed I'm only going back part time. But, it's too late- can't change my mind now. I'm looking around for some other part time work to get me outta the house the 2 days I'm off. So send up some prayers that I find the right thing for me. I'm hoping early intervention can work out in some way, but at this point I'm becoming open to just about anything kid related to get me out of the house and keeping my mind off of the fact that we are STILL waiting for a baby.

I'm sure you will be hearing from me again in a few weeks complaining about work, but for now I'm looking forward to getting out of the house and back into the groove of things.

Life on Pause

For the past few years, I have found myself constantly planning around a baby. This child we have yet to meet has been ruling my life! I have constantly found myself thinking about getting involved in one thing or another, only to say, "Eh, maybe after baby. Everything needs to be perfect and in place for when baby comes." NEWSFLASH! Sitting around waiting for this baby isn't going to make him or her come any faster. Taking a dance class when I thought I could be pregnant wasn't going to cause any major issues, but I didn't want to "take any chances." Then we started planning for an adoption, and I never wanted to get too involved in anything because I hate to drop out of a commitment last minute. Unfortunately there is very little plan time with an adoption, so dropping out of commitments is the only way to do anything. I tend to forget that people will understand if I don't show up to something because oh, you know, we finally get a baby. I think a lot of this whole putting my life on hold has made me feel like I'm constantly planning for baby, somehow making it more of a reality than just a dream. Instead, all I'm doing is driving myself crazy and not having any fun.

So... I'm trying to change my ways. Time to press play and get on with living my life. I just signed up to be a catechist for 3rd grade religious education at our parish, and I'm actually really excited about it. Not to mention, you would never believe what happened when I asked the supervisor if I could take a couple weeks off once we get a baby... she didn't even hesitate- of course! No way, someone at church saying I could have time off to spend with a baby I have waited for years for... haha... My way of thinking is just ridiculous sometimes. So while I was on my little high with that, I thought I'd get a little crazy and check out the programs at our recreation department for a class or two to take this fall , like yoga or zumba. I know people, watch out! I'm getting out! So I've been doing good starting to break away from this giant pause I've been taking. 

Then I hit a wall. I finished the online courses for early intervention certification and will be done with the live class Friday. Then it will be time for me to actually commit and go through with the certification. This is a step I'm a little more scared to take. First of all, it's something new, and I'm often not a fan of new...unless that new thing is a baby of course ;)  More so, taking on a caseload brings me back to my discomfort of not being prepared for baby to come any day. It's that whole cancelling on people last minute and not following through with commitments. Most of all, taking on another job is filling in the gaps that I didn't think would need filling when I decided to move to a part time position at work. Blah! Don't get me wrong, I am actually really excited about the potential of working in early intervention. I've always wanted to do it, but right now isn't what was in my little plan, you see. I figured I'd turn to it once we already had kids and I was looking for something to bring in a little extra money and keep me updated in my field. I didn't think it would be filling in the gaps that I was supposed to be spending with baby.

It's funny how just about everything is like salt being rubbed into the wound.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of that baby and wonder how she is doing. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder how everything came crashing down so quickly. And not a day goes by when I don't picture myself holding her at that very moment. Fortunately, what I do know is that some day we will bring home a baby and all this will have been worth it. If only we knew the when. It's pretty overwhelming remembering how many steps we are going to have to repeat... getting a call, waiting for an eternity to see if we are chosen, meeting the birth parents, waiting for baby, baby comes, and waiting again for everything to be final. That's a whole lot of emotions and a whole lot of waiting. I think I have been pretty good about being patient, but man, I'm running low here. I guess I have to keep reminding myself that there is a pretty amazing plan for my life, one that I need to be patient for... right now, I'm just not feeling all that patient. My hope is that the wait isn't much longer, but in this crazy thing called adoption, waiting is pretty much the name of the game. And so.... I wait, but this time not on pause. I'm pushing "play" and having some fun. Who said my life can't start until we have a baby? Why can't my dream be lived out now? After all, I am blessed immensely with wonderful family, friends, a job I love, and most importantly an incredible husband. When I remind myself of all that, I feel a little greedy for always begging for a baby, but not greedy enough to stop asking :) 

Gotta Get Away

One of my first reactions when we found out we wouldn't be bringing home baby girl was, "We need to get away! Now!" So one of the first things we did was plan a trip to Florida. We have a pretty amazing family who stepped up to offer us places to stay. So first, we stayed in Hernando, FL, where Dan's aunt and uncle just recently bought a condo. It is a really nice quiet area, just what we needed those first few days. It was nice to just escape, sleep, and play word puzzles (Dan's best purchase of the trip). There wasn't much to do in town, so we decided to head out to Weeki Wachee Springs State Park. Neither of us had ever heard of it before, but Dan found it, and apparently there was some sort of show involving mermaids. So we just had to check this place out, if anything just to say we did it. The park has a short boat ride, a spring to swim in with a lazy river and some water slides, and of course the mermaid show. The show was actually pretty cool. We watched it in an auditorium under the water behind a giant glass window. They put on about a 30 minute show, never coming up for air, but rather used special tubes to take a breath of air when they needed it. The performers could not use their legs to swim, since they had tail fins of course! They also kept their eyes open the entire time and would open their mouths to speak or sing. It was kinda crazy. We saw two shows. One was kind of a behind the scenes with some tricks and how they do some of it. The second was a short performance of The Little Mermaid. We may have been the only two adults in there without kids, but it was pretty cool. We don't regret this road side attraction one bit. 

Pretty impressive, especially when you have limited us of your legs.

Little Mermaid performance. We caught her just as she was taking a breath from their hose.

Ariel in The Little Mermaid

We also found out they are in the Kelly Clarkson "Stronger" music video. Look for them at 1:24 and 2:13

Stronger Video

 So next on our list of stops was Disney World. This was just what the doctor ordered for me. I think I felt the most "back to normal" while we were in Disney. It's kinda hard to be in a bad mood there. We spent one day park hopping at Hollywood Studios, Epcot, and Magic Kingdom. The next day we went to Blizzard Beach. It was all a blast. Wait times weren't terrible, and besides it dumping rain on us a few times in Magic Kingdom the weather was fairly cooperative.

Dan hanging out with his buddy Bill Cosby. I think he has his facial expressions down :)

Taking a ride on the Backlot Tour at Hollywood Studios

The main street at Hollywood Studios

Magical :)

So next up on our trip was Melbourne, FL to visit my Uncle Aug, Aunt Sherry, and cousin Joseph. We enjoyed lots of delicious food (thanks to Aunt Sherry), a long walk on the beach with Uncle Aug, and the longest game of Phase 10 I have ever played. It was at least 3 hours long! He are some pictures from our visit. I realized a little too late that I never got pictures with all of them :( I guess we'll just have to take another trip there soon.

A crab we came across on our walk on the beach.

Uncle Aug caught these as the sun was beginning to set.

                          We had a great getaway- just what we needed!

Here We Go Again

And so here we go again... we're back on the waiting family list. I do have to say that I felt a huge weight lifted when I was told we could go back on. I was a bit worried they would make us wait even longer. I feel like now we can move forward and check out what plan God has in store for us. That's not to say that I'm not looking back frequently. The loss of our potential adoption is still a pretty fresh wound, but I do feel like I have sorted through about a million emotions over the past week and a half, from disappointment to anger to self pity to an overall sense of loss, ending with some form of acceptance. I still miss both baby girl and the birth parents terribly. I feel like over the past two months, we formed a wonderful relationship with them. I only hope that our next match will result in a relationship similar to that one... AND a baby.

During adoption, you hear a lot about the transfer of power. Leading up to the adoption, the birth parents hold the "power". We are just sitting, waiting for the baby to be born and papers to be signed. There is nothing we can do but wait, hope, and build a relationship with the birth family (and of course pray like crazy). Once papers are signed, the power is transferred to the adoptive parents. The Cradle has always made us very aware of the difficulty of this transfer of power, grief, and overwhelming emotions the birth parents go through. I realized today that through this experience of a "change of heart" that I have gotten a small taste of what that has to feel like for the birth parents. I feel this incredible loss, for a daughter we were so prepared for. I think about her all the time. What is she doing now? (probably eating or sleeping at this point :) ) What will she look like a year from now, 10 years from now? There is nothing I can do to find out either. Our relationship with them has come to an end. She is with her forever family, in this case her birth family. At the end of the day, I do truly believe that they made the right decision. I think the way everything happened could have been a bit different, for everyone's sake, but I know that they will provide her with a loving home. Pray for them. It will likely be a rough road ahead for them, but I wish them all the happiness in the world. They are wonderful people. I only wish we could continue our relationship with them through adoption, but like I said it just wasn't right for them. All I can do at the end of the day is respect that, wish them well, and pray.

Please continue to pray for us. We are already beginning to heal. It's amazing what some time with family and friends and a few days at Disney World can do for your spirit. We have hope for what is to come, but for a while we will continue to feel a sense of loss for that baby girl in our lives and our dreams for her. We know that the best way to heal right now is to keep on trucking. I will admit, we're pretty good at this. After about 3 years of trying to build our family, we've learned to cope with disappointment and to remind ourselves that something pretty incredible is up ahead. It's the unknown that's hard. Our counselor told me today that there has been a steady flow for the past couple months, so hopefully our wait for the next call won't be long. I'm ready for it. Bring it on!

Seriously?

And so we are back where we were about 2 months ago... waiting for a baby. Yesterday we got the dreaded phone call to inform us of a "change of heart". The baby girl we held only two days before, would not be coming home with us. Seriously??? That's all I can say. I feel like I just ran a marathon and came within about 5 feet from the finish line, only to have someone stop me and tell me to go back to the beginning and do it all over again. I know that God has a plan for us, and I do really trust that it will be greater than we can imagine. But right now, I just feel defeated. Why did we have to go through this? What was the point of this experience? It certainly didn't bring me a sense of hope. If anything, I'm going to be on pins and needles from day one next time. Oy...

Adoption in the Media

I have come to learn that (with a few exceptions) adoption is not portrayed very well on TV. I have felt this for a while, but the other day I found a show that sealed the deal on my views on this. I was flipping through the channels, and I came across a show on TLC called Birth Moms. I of course was immediately drawn in because I often get into reality shows about things I'm going through. (I was addicted to all the wedding shows right before we got engaged too). The description just said that it followed three women who were considering an adoption plan and their journey to choosing an adoptive family. I was immediately drawn in. I was so curious to see what things looked like from their end, and I figured since it was TLC it would be a somewhat respectable portrayal. So I started watching it. I kid you not, it only took about 10 minutes before Dan insisted we change the channel. He generally doesn't care what's on the TV. I watch a lot of horrible shows too, with terrible acting and no good story lines, and he has rarely flat out told me to change the channel. That's how bad this was.

The show did follow three women considering adoption and looking at adoptive families. Other than that, it was nothing like what I had thought it would be. One of the women decided to proudly shoplift on camera, in turn having her license taken by a police officer. She then proceeded to go out to dinner with the other two women and insist on getting drinks. I'm not talking a glass of wine. I mean hard liquor. Since she didn't have her license, she contacted the police station and demanded her license be returned so that she could drink. The "mildest" woman of the three was still difficult to watch... making fun of the adoptive family profiles and pretty much calling all of them losers and boring. She didn't even bother to read the profiles. She just flipped through them quickly and made flash judgments based on a few pictures. I honestly can't remember anything about the third woman, but she was somewhere in between the other two.

Now, I'm sure there are women like this considering adoption. I'm not here to judge these women by any means. My problem with this portrayal is that it gives people the impression that every birth mother is like this, not caring for herself, the baby, or really anyone around her. They had three women on this show. Pick at least one who can give a positive representation of a birth mother. What about the women who sincerely care about the health of their babies? What about the women who read every last word of every adoptive family profile to choose the best possible family for her child? What about the women who are dealing with this incredible sense of loss to come? What about couples, who are in this together? One thing I learned in the classes we took is that there is not a "typical" birth parent. They may be teenagers, but they may also be in their 20's, 30's, and 40's. They may be married, in a relationship, or single. They may have other children. That is why I am disappointed in this show. They show none of that. For someone who has had no exposure to adoption, look at the message they got. They got the impression that birth parents are a mess and that they don't really care all that much about taking care of themselves. Bravo TLC...we didn't learn a whole lot from your show.

I am not going to share anything personal because I truly respect the birth parents we are in a match with. I just want to say one thing. They are the exact opposite of what I have seen on TV. They are wonderful, loving individuals who are making an incredibly selfless decision for the sake of their daughter. They carefully chose a family (thank goodness it was us!), and they have shown us nothing but respect. We enjoy spending time with them and hope this relationship can continue to grow in the future. The message I want to get across is that birth parents are not just what is portrayed on TV. They are smart, loving, respectful individuals.

I said at the beginning of the post that I believe there are some exceptions when it comes to TV's portrayal of adoption. Dan will make fun of me for saying this, but honestly Teen Mom is pretty good when it comes to this. Their story of Catelynn and Tyler is good. They showed them carefully choosing an adoptive family, forming a relationship with this family, and having a true respect for their daughter's adoptive parents. They showed their struggle, including their grief and loss. It's not something that just magically disappeared. They still seem to have a hard time with it, as I would imagine most people would. Catelynn and Tyler also share their reasons for an adoptive plan and why they believe it was the best decision for them. Now of course there is the usual drama that comes with an MTV show, but overall Teen Mom's portrayal of Catelynn and Tyler is one I respect. I really wish they would show more people who made an adoptive plan. Almost every teen on Teen Mom/ 16 and Pregnant chooses to parent her child. I'm not saying there is a problem with that. I just wish they would show a few more stories of those who chose adoption to give a more positive portrayal of adoption in the media.

Okay. I will step off my soapbox now.

Happy Mother's Day

A friend of mine from the Cradle posted this article today, and I loved it! I recommend taking a few minutes to read it by going to this link:


How do you define motherhood?


I am not going to sit here and lie and say that the journey to adoption is an easy one. It is certainly something that takes time to be ready for both mentally and emotionally. It is as if God is constantly molding your heart, slowly preparing it for this incredible love. It may have taken us a bit of a journey to get to this point, but I have to agree with the author to that article. Adoption is by no means a back-up plan or a second-rate choice. I am honored to have been chosen to go on this journey. I am blessed that God gave us an up-hill battle to becoming parents. Without this journey, we would not have met these incredible birth parents. We have been a witness to true unconditional selfless love between a couple and for their unborn baby girl. We have been embraced by a family who may give us the greatest gift we could ever imagine, a precious child. As we wait for her arrival, I already know that if she is placed with us, we will love her to the moon and back. Our love will be no different than if I had carried her for 9 months. Sure, we will have some catching up to do ;) But at the end of the day, we will be her mommy and daddy. 


For now, we eagerly await her arrival just like any other couple. We have her pictures on our fridge (a beautiful Mother's Day gift from the birth mother), and we have been shopping for all of the little necessities. We hope and pray that she will join our family and will feel blessed beyond our wildest dreams. I've come to realize, a pregnancy is only 9 months (yes 9 beautiful months- I'm certainly not denying that) but raising your child- that's a lifetime. It's a lifetime of being a mommy and all the hugs and kisses, sickness, temper tantrums, and giggles that go along with it. 


I'm not going to act like I'm never going to yearn to be pregnant. I think for a woman, that is nearly impossible. It's just a part of who I am. But I can honestly say, I can see how it has slowly subsided. What is more important is being a mom. As that author so beautifully described in that article:

"Maybe I will get pregnant one day, maybe I won't, but it doesn't matter to me any more. Adoption and pregnancy bring the same results: A child is welcomed into the arms of parents who have been waiting for her, expectantly and impatiently."

I couldn't say it any better myself. As we wait for baby girl, I know we will love her beyond measure, just as much as we would had she grown with us for 9 months. Love you baby girl! We hope you join our family soon!


Happy Mother's Day to all mothers and expectant mothers, whether through adoption or pregnancy. 

Match Meeting

So today was our first meeting with the birth parents. I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful they are! We are so incredibly blessed to have been chosen by such a great couple. I feel like God just keeps pouring down His blessings. AND we found out she is due two and a half weeks sooner than we had originally been told. Ah! So amazing! Please continue to keep everyone involved in your prayers.

Jitters

We got the official email today to schedule our match meeting with the birth parents. We're meeting them Monday in Indiana. I am so excited to have the opportunity to meet them! I think it will put my mind at ease, and deep down I do think we will really hit it off (I hope!). But now this is getting very real. Every time I think about it, I get a knot in my stomach. This is what we've been waiting for. I'm just so nervous. What if I say the wrong thing at the wrong time? What if I am so freaked out that I feel sick the whole time? I know deep down that I'll feel better once we get there and the meeting gets going. It's usually the time leading up to it that is the worst. Right now I can feel the tension take over my entire body. I just need to get through the next four days.... and then the rest of the next 2 months.... I  can do this...

Roller Coaster Ride

The past two weeks have most certainly been a roller coaster ride. So let me start at the beginning. Dan and I went to St. John Cantius church in Chicago for mass on Divine Mercy Sunday. They had some relics of St. Faustina. You can read more about them on Dan's blog here: St. Faustina First Class Relics The whole experience that morning was pretty awesome. First, we lit a candle at the front of the church. Most of the candles were not yet lit, so I chose one right in the middle. Dan still teases me about it- that I needed to choose the one smack dab in the middle. Then we decided to go over by the relics. I looked closely at each one, but I wasn't exactly sure if we could touch them. So looking just had to do. After mass, a line started forming and people were coming up to pray and touch the relics. There was my answer! I had to get up there again and touch the relic. And so we did.

That night I was going through the mail in the living room, and Dan was reading in the front room. He came quickly into the room asking "What's this email?" I had no clue what he was talking about. "There's an email from the Cradle about a profile request!" Talk about being caught off guard. First of all, weren't we told we'd get a call about something like this? And secondly, it was 9:00pm on a Sunday. This couldn't be for real! Thank goodness it was! So I opened the email on my computer. I started scrolling through the document page after page not really taking in anything I was looking at. It took me a few minutes to calm down and actually read what I was looking at. Baby girl, due this summer! Birth parents sound wonderful! Nothing scary on the page! It didn't take long to realize, my prayers were being answered.  Loud and Clear! I had been praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet since the beginning of Lent, touched the relic of St. Faustina earlier that day, and it was Divine Mercy Sunday. Wow! God is so good! Dan teased me saying that it had to be the fact that I chose to light that candle right in the middle earlier that day.

So the next day, we talked to our counselor to let her know we were in. We found out that our profile would be presented along with those of 5 other adoptive families. She reminded us that we likely wouldn't hear anything until at least the following Friday. Almost 2 weeks- yikes! And so the nerves began and didn't go away. We only told a few people, knowing that there was a good chance another family could be chosen. And then we just prayed hard! I checked my phone like crazy every day.

When we didn't hear this past Friday, I started to get frustrated. It was hard waking up every morning unsure if we would receive the most amazing news or if we would be back to square one. I was in a crummy mood most of Saturday, even at our dinner out to Rock Bottom. That changed quickly though because I have just about the best husband ever, who said just about every right thing to me. I was then reminded how much of a gift this child would be if we were in fact matched and also of how incredibly difficult it must be for the birth parents to make such a huge decision. So I finally reached a sense of peace.

Yesterday was the first morning I woke up without butterflies in my stomach. I had a meeting first thing in the morning. I got back to my office with a voice mail on my phone. I had gotten a message from a counselor (not our usual one) at the Cradle saying she wanted to talk to me about our case and to call before she went into a meeting at 9:30. And... it was 9:30 on the dot. I tried anyways, but no answer. I had no clue what the answer could possibly be. If it had been our counselor that left the message, I'd be able to tell from her voice. So of course I started trying to analyze everything. Was she a birth parent counselor? If so, maybe she was these birth parents' counselor. Nope... adoptive parent counselor. I called Dan. He hadn't gotten a call at all. And my analyzing had to stop. There was absolutely nothing I could do. Those poor kids that I worked with for the next 2 hours... my mind just wasn't there. Then, right after finishing therapy with the last student of the morning, my phone rang. It was a Cradle phone number!

We're in a match!!!! It was my counselor, who was just returning to the office that day. I have never been so relieved in my life! So I jumped up and down with Kathy, who had been in the room and overheard me talking. And I called Dan right away! Wooooo hoooo! We are so excited!

One funny thing that happened- I called both of my parents right away. I couldn't get ahold of my mom- she was serving lunches at work, but I was able to get ahold of my dad right away. I asked him not to tell my mom until I talked to her. I got ahold of her about a half hour later. Well apparently, neither one of them realized I had talked to the other yet. My dad was off of work, so when my mom got home, they just sat around and talked about their days as if it were any other day. My mom texted me after a while to let me know my dad was home that day if I wanted to talk to him. I texted back to tell her that he already knew. They had just spent all that time pretending neither one of them knew a thing. Talk about being ready to jump out of your skin!

My mom also told me later about something cool that had happened to her at work. She often prays for the intercession of St. Therese. Just before she talked to me, one of her co-workers said she smelled roses and said "St. Therese!".  Flowers had recently been brought to them (not roses), but this woman had not seen them yet. Just shortly after, my mom got my call. More answered prayers!

Today I have finally come back to earth. We are going to meet the birth family next week. I'm really looking forward to it. They sound really great based on the little information we have gotten so far. Of course, we are trying to remember that there are no guarantees. Nothing is final until papers are signed after baby girl is born. So please pray for the birth parents, baby girl, and us as we prepare for her arrival. God is so good :)

Cute Idea

I often read a blog called All You Who Hope, by a Catholic mother of two little ones (one was adopted). Her adoption story is pretty awesome (you can find it on the top tool bar on her page). Anyways, she recently posted about making books for each of her kids. Each book tells the story of their arrival and has pictures of them as babies and with family. I love making stuff like this and plan on definitely following her lead on this one. She even found a place where you can design your own board book. How awesome is that? Here's a link to her post:  Baby Books

I just had to share.

Makes Me Smile

I'm a speech pathologist and work with mostly preschoolers and kindergarteners. So I have my fair share of hilarious moments from day to day. Today though, it's a simple story and one that just plain old puts a smile on my face. I'll be the first to admit, I have a few favorite kids I work with. Well today, one of them made my heart melt. He had just come back into the room from playing on the play ground. I was working on something across the room, and I heard him call my name and say, "I love you". These kids may not be mine, but boy do I love them.

Chaplet of Divine Mercy

During Lent, I began praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy every day. The more I prayed it, I found myself becoming more and more content with the wait. One day, I was talking to someone at work about the adoption process and found myself telling her that I was doing well with the wait and that I was pretty content. I just remember thinking, Did those words just come out of my mouth??? And then I realized that it was the truth. I had finally found peace, knowing that God has a plan for our family.

Here is a link to the prayer: Chaplet of Divine Mercy

I particularly like the closing prayer:

Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless, and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible, look kindly upon us, and increase Your mercy in us,that in difficult moments we might not despair, nor become despondent, but with great confidence, submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself.


It is my daily reminder that God has a plan for me, and that it is going to be (and is) wonderful! It helps me to do what is hardest, trusting in His plan and letting go. Let go, and let God!


The Divine Mercy Novena began on Good Friday. You can learn more about it and find the daily prayers here: Divine Mercy Novena

This Sunday is the Feast of Divine Mercy. Find out more about it here: Feast of Divine Mercy

If you don't already pray the Chaplet, I can't encourage you enough to do so daily. This prayer is so incredibly powerful! It is easy to pray, not to mention quick (you can pray it on your way to work even). Relevant Radio (950am in Chicago, Relevant Radio) prays the Chaplet of Divine Mercy Daily at 3pm (central time). If you can listen to the radio at that time, it's pretty awesome. They take calls for intentions, and they have shared stories of countless answered prayers. It is such a powerful prayer! On Relevant Radio, they finish the prayer reciting the following, and so I will close this post with it as well.

Jesus I trust in you. Jesus I trust in you. Jesus I trust in you.

(St. John's at University of Illinois)

Looking Forward to the Little Joys in Life

When we were writing our adoption profile to present to birth parents at our agency, I kept finding myself imagining the beautiful moments our family has to look forward to. Of course I have imagined about a million times what it might feel like meeting our child for the first time and those first few steps through the door at home on that incredible day (whenever it may be). What I find myself thinking about most, though, are those little moments in time that I may have taken advantage of if we had not experienced this journey of waiting.

I can't wait for the moment that we feel like we can let down our guard and choose a name. For years before we even got married, we talked about baby names (even if they were Bert and Ernie for our future twins). But it's not so easy talking about names, when you have no idea when or if that day is going to come when you have a child to give that name to. So naming this baby... can't wait for it! 

I look forward to seeing the big cheesy grin I know Dan will have on his face the first time he dresses our baby up in some ridiculous outfit, the hilarious comments he will surely have about dirty diapers, and of course that look of pride I know he will have when he introduces our son or daughter to our families. I can't wait for our first Sunday mass together as a family of three, holding our baby close and thanking God for our incredible blessing! Crazy as it may sound, I can't wait to wake up in the middle of the night those first few times (I'm not completely nuts- I know that after the first couple nights I'll regret ever thinking that!) I look forward to chasing little feet across the house, holding little hands on walks around the block, and dancing around the living room. I can't wait to be woken up by a little one jumping into bed with us on a lazy Saturday morning, ready to get the day started. Coming from someone who LOVES to sleep in, I look forward to the day that I no longer have the option.

I could list about a million things I think about every day, but I think you get the picture. As difficult as this wait is sometimes (ahem, most of the time), I have been blessed. God blessed us with this wait. He has prepared my heart and increased my faith. I am ready to soak up every last little moment, BUT I have also realized that I need to do the same now. It's that second part that I struggle with all the time. I want to keep fast forwarding to that moment when our two becomes three, but today is important too. There's a reason that we are waiting. So I better not let this time just pass me by. In the end, God has a beautiful little one for us. When? I don't know. But I'm ready for that incredible moment!

(I promise not to be so mushy on every post, but a girl has to dream a little. Some people deal with stress with chocolate, others with exercise... I daydream)